From the sight of a city girl

Thorns Instead of Petals

2011-12-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

Thorns - I've got them.

This week has been one of exposure. Every Christian who truly loves Jesus knows it or has known it or probably will soon. It's been a week where my sins have so strongly shown themselves. I've said words that showed my sin to myself, I've been called out on sins, and I've simply seen actions that aren't wholesome.

It takes a lot for a flower to bloom. I'm definitely no horticulturist but I know some basics. Gotta be planted and watered. Over time a bush will grown and over time the flowers come. Before the flowers arrive there are seasons of sunshine and seasons of rain. Seasons of waiting and longing and seasons of anticipation. The flowers arrive and stay for a while and then that season also ends. Suddenly it all repeats itself again. Slowly but surely.

Unfortunately for all of us, many flowers also arrive with thorns. Roses, one of the world's most beautiful flowers (if you ask me, and apparently everybody else around V-tines day), are covered in thorns. Covered is the wrong word, but dang - have you ever grabbed a rose and not been poked by the thorn?

As I lie in bed just now, awake early because of going to sleep early, I felt and feel a few things:

Sorrow - That I still struggle so vastly in my sin - the sins exposed this week seem to elementary to me. They are ones that I wish I'd been able to deal with (and feel I should have been able to deal with) years ago; the ones that I thought I had worked through. I guess I had simply covered them with a nice mat and hoped for dear life that a breeze wouldn't expose them. Breezes always come.

Aware of grace - This part has been lacking for me most of the week, but as I lay in bed, and a lot more so now as I contemplate and type, I can feel Jesus with me. I know the Spirit of the Lord is always with me, exposing sin while still providing wisdom and teaching. His grace (Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. - (1 Peter 4:8 ESV)) covers a multitude of sins and His ability to help me is above and beyond all of my understanding.

Desire for purity - Sin is yucky. It's awful. It creeps around in my life, always read to jump out at the most inconvenient (aka any) time. Sins are awful because they are a choice; a choice I make to have these attitudes, to feel these emotions, and to do these things. This week I find myself often whispering, "my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak". I love the Lord, I love Jesus, I love the Spirit, and that love covers a multitude of sins (as I already wrote)- not because of anything I do, but because of Jesus. The cross allows me to repent and be saved.

Tiredness - My most common prayer to the Lord over the past four months has been, "I'm tired". I've been so exhausted by the different things that have happened and the things that have occurred for others in my life. It's felt like a lot of people struggled. I've spent much of my time not as joyful as normal. Yet the joy of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH! I was watching a show yesterday, and the main character, who was struggling with feeling burdened, commented to another character on her feeling tired. I understood her emotions because she looked, sounded, and felt like I've felt for months. I can feel Jesus beckoning me to the well where He will provide living water for my soul. Only He refreshes my soul. I am thankful that I don't have to stay tired - the Lord will provide. (A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.” (John 4:7-15 ESV))

Physically in this moment, emotionally in this moment, and spiritually in this moment, I am tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done. Jesus isn't done. He's pruning me and taking away those thorns and pretty soon He's going to make me a flower. I won't be perfect until Jesus comes back to Earth and brings His believers home, but until then I'll rest in the fact that He's always working on me. (Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:4-5 ESV))

Yet now I am filled with joy because I called upon the Lord and He answered me. He did not turn away His ear. He turned to me and forgave me of all my sin.


I went to the ESV website and typed in flower. These verses either shower up immediately, or through cross-references of different verses. The Lord is faithful.

    The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
        when he delights in his way;
    though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
        for the LORD upholds his hand.
     . . . Turn away from evil and do good;
        so shall you dwell forever.
    For the LORD loves justice;
        he will not forsake his saints.
    They are preserved forever,
        but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
     . . . The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
        he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
    The LORD helps them and delivers them;
        he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
        because they take refuge in him.
(Psalm 37:23-24, 27-28, 39-40 ESV)

    Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. . . .     Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
(Colossians 3:5-10, 16-17 ESV)

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. . . . Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
    Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:2-4, 12-17 ESV)

    As a father shows compassion to his children,
        so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
    For he knows our frame;
        he remembers that we are dust.
    As for man, his days are like grass;
        he flourishes like a flower of the field;
    for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
        and its place knows it no more.
    But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
        and his righteousness to children's children,
    to those who keep his covenant
        and remember to do his commandments.
(Psalm 103:13-18 ESV)

    Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. . . . As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.
(1 Peter 1:3-9, 14-19 ESV)

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
(Colossians 1:11-14 ESV)

    There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. . . .     No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:1-8, 37-39 ESV)

Good and upright is the LORD;
       therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
   He leads the humble in what is right,
       and teaches the humble his way.
   All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness,
       for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
(Psalm 25:8-10 ESV)

2 for the price of free

2011-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

About once a day, or every other, or every few days, depending on the week, I head over to Resurgence. This website is INCREDIBLE.

Everyday they write a blog post or two. It's quick, short, and filled with truth.

Some days I don't feel strong conviction, but most days I learn something. Every once in a while I find them boring or non-applicable to my current situation yet I also have days where it's like God punches me in the stomach - and then gives me a HUGE hug.

If you're looking for something to do with your time, spend a while reading their blog posts.They don't delete them, so you can just stay on the home page and click the links. I discovered this website a few weeks ago and I can't imagine life without it now. Everyday I'm learning and being challenged.

They also have music and books and resources on their site. I love it. I find I don't do well with long things (aka books) because I don't like doing one thing for a long time. Blogs and articles work for me. Here's my two most recent favourites:
Bet You Can’t Resist the Temptation to Watch This...
3 Things You Need to Know about Sin

Another site I've been enjoying is a blog by Jamie. She's a missionary with her husband in Costa Rica and writes great posts every few days. My favourite as of late are:
Guard your heart, bro.
Turf Wars.
Air Freshener Jesus.

Enjoy these things. Any sites you like?

Questioning Faith

2011-12-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, I get inspiration to write something. I'm not always near a pen, but typically always near my phone. Sometimes I record song ideas, and every once in a while I speak out what I'm thinking. It's usually when I'm confused about something and need to hear myself speak in order to make sense.

Last week I was going through my phone, listening to all my voice notes. Most were songs or lyric ideas, but one in particular stood out. I'll share part of it. Some of it is different than my perspective now, in the sense that God has taught me new things daily this year as I know He will continue on each day forward. This week I've thought a lot about these words I said a year ago. The questioning of my faith is still the same.

"I feel like I'm in this weird weird phase in my life where I constantly question my faith.
Like all the time.
And I feel like if I say that to people, they're gonna go, "um, you shouldn't say that."
And I get that.
But I'm not saying it the way you think.

I'm not questioning my God.
Or the source of my faith
. . . or what my faith is in or whatever
- I'm questioning MY faith
.
I was thinking today about how
if you believe that there's air but you are always passing out from not breathing - then you probably wouldn't be a pretty good advocate for air.

At the end of the day, air wouldn't be on your list.

And I was thinking about God and Jesus and the faith and Christianity... and all that is encompassed in what I believe.

It's one thing to say

There is a God, there is a Jesus, there is a Holy Spirit.
I believe in the IDEA that the faith encompasses.
It's a whole other thing to live it out.

. . . It's all I wanna do

I have a list of the things I wanna do . . .
One is to love Jesus - which means to love everyone, which is ridiculous, because God loves me, and that's ridiculous enough, and I feel like this year, I learnt how to love myself, through God, but some of my goals would be to love God and for all people to do the same.

When I consider some of the people that I care about
and where they will be spending eternity - it breaks my heart

. . . A friend recently told me that she considers me a woman of prayer, and like the girl in Proverbs 31.
She is who I want to be.

All that I believe and all I base my life on is Jesus. Proverbs 31 is where I go when I'm trying to sort out what that means for me.

. . . When I consider all that God has done - my whole life, and especially recently, I feel like I can say that I'm a woman of God now.
And I can mean it which is so incredible and honouring and all that I want.

I want to know Christ and the power of the resurrection of the cross.

. . .

So when I say that I'm questioning my faith.
I don't question my God.

I question my due diligence to His purpose.
Everyday.

. . .

Today I looked at the city, and the sun was making it shine.
And I thanked God that he lets me live here.
I'm so thankful for this time on earth.

And when I think of how beautiful Vancouver is, and all the places I've seen in the world - I can only imagine how seriously good and overwhelmingly beautiful heaven will be.

So I'm going to keep questioning my faith - hopefully everyday.
And I'm going to give each day back to God, everyday."

And that's my thoughts from one year ago.
Coming soon - recent thoughts and things God's been teaching.

A Breathe of Fresh Air

2011-11-28T01:15:00.000-08:00

I've been missing blogging lately. I love the freedom of expression that I get here, but life took me out for the count for a few months. The good news is that I am now less than two weeks away from being done my first semester of my undergrad! I'm so thankful for sort of being 1/8 of the way through. Sort of, because since I dropped philosophy I'll have to make up that credit someday somewhere, but stress is my least favourite friend lately, so I'm avoiding stress.

When I say avoiding stress, what I really mean is that God has been doing some whispering into my heart lately. Each time I think of something that is "worry worthy" or "stress stirring" God has gently said, "Consider the lillies. Consider the sparrows. You don't need to worry". Wow. Thanks. You see, change in my future is coming, as it always it, and never in my timing, but I of things to come. I know these things, and I consider worrying about them, and suddenly I consider the lillies and my heart finds peace in Jesus. Jesus keeps reminding me that my worth comes from Him.

Another moment of peace happened a week ago. I was over for dinner with a friend, and in typical girl fashion, the topic of "what happened with so-and-so" came up. I told her the story, from start to finish, and for the very first time, I didn't feel broken. I didn't break down amidst the story, and didn't even cry myself to sleep. I'm not much of a cry to sleep type of girl, yet I've been the exception to a lot of my rules for the past couple months. I went home that night, and realized, "I'm okay". I remember blogging a while ago about getting to a point where I would be able to respond with "I'm great" and mean it. The Lord has led me to a place where I am great. I am so thankful. I remember sitting at thanksgiving a few weeks back and struggling to name things I was thankful for, because in that moment, I wasn't. I was sad, broken, lonely, and not okay. Today, I went out for lunch with friends and had fun for every minute. A friend and I spent the afternoon in conversation, and I was blessed by it, and I think a blessing back. I had an home filled with friends this evening where I laughed to jokes, posed for funny pictures, and I meant every moment of it. This night, and last night, another evening with friends, and the past week, has been the first set of moments where I haven't been faking for at least some part of the conversation or event.

I chatted with a friend today about the whole experience of being in a relationship and being broken up with; I said, very honestly, that if the only reason I had to go through that experience was to gain compassion and empathy, then I am actually okay with it. I can look back now and see God orchestrating events and conversations since the break up that I never would have been able to deal with. I never understood this experience because I had never experienced it. It's not like I'm a robot that is "over it". I'm still sad about it, and I'm still hurt by things that happened, but I'm no longer in my season of mourning. Does that make sense? It's like Jesus has had me on a tricycle for a bit because that's literally all I could handle. He's got me on the big girl bike now. (that's figurative, I do NOT bike)

Another part of the conversation, we talked about how in times that are rough, often the only thing we can see is where we are. All we see is our sorrow and pain, and yet when we look back, we see that the only thing wrong is that we were hurt. I'm not belittling that pain, but I am praising God's timing in that He knows our strength or lack there of, and so gives us only one really hard thing at a time. This isn't always the case, but for my friend and I, this is us.

Last week I met up with a friend, and I was talking about being in a valley. I don't want to be a woman of complaint, yet looking on this past year I've dealt with a lot of things I didn't expect. I know this because the people in my life have constantly had to stand beside me and support me, rather than the other way around. Anyways, in this conversation of valley, I said something along the lines of, "though I have very clearly been in a valley, I have felt God's presence in every moment. He has provided everything I have needed. Child, here is your home, here is your bed, here is your food, here is the things that you need. I am what you need, and I will satisfy. Amidst this valley that I have been in, and that God has told me to my tears that I will be in for a while, I have never questioned where God is. I've needed clarity and grace to forgive and each day I've needed new mercies. Each day, I've received these things and more in abundance".

All of these words to say, for the very first time since February when my life went downhill, when I look back, I am thankful. I am thankful for the job loss, for the hurt friendships, for the love lost, and for the fact that I have been learning that Jesus is my actual sustenance to make it through each day. He is my bread and manna in the desert. Deserts are composed of sand and rocks. Jesus is my daily bread, my source of life, and as was sung at my church this morning, more than enough.

Avoiding Disaster

2011-11-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

If you were to be invited over today (which you won't be on this day) you would probably give me a look. I'm not quite sure what the look would look like but I don't think it would be most kind. Not because you think I'm a bad person, but because what I've done is a bad bad thing.

Because when the door opens into my apartment this day you would walk into cardboard boxes, and as you stepped through them (read: try to get through) you would fall into a pile (the size of a girl's entire wardrobe) of clothes.

My room has been a mess for weeks. It might have been since school started that it got extra bad. I think part of me gave up on a lot of things in September. Cleaning however, has never ever ever ever (do you get the picture?) a love of my life. As a child, my room was always a mess. My Mom had me room with my oldest sister rather than my most near in age sister because that one (the near in age one) is probably the most organized person I know. The oldest (Lynette) is in no way unorganized, but near and dear (Kirsten) wouldn't have been able to function with Barbies everywhere.

When I lived in Africa, I had no choice but to keep my room clean as there were weekly room checks and my room was the size of a wheelchair washroom.

When I lived in dorms, my roommate was probably as messy as I was, so keeping it neat was never a problem or necessity to us except for those also weekly checks. We cleaned once a week. Like clockwork, you'd usually see each other frantically running towards our room, locking the door, and quickly throwing things out of view. Success.

Cue to now and I've lived in three Vancouver homes. My roommie is lovely and very clean. She's taught me a lot. On a normal day, if you walk in, everywhere in our apartment but my bedroom will be near spotless. I try to clean up messes as I go along, and am working at making that a habit. This doesn't mean that I want to be this way (untidy) - I wish I was organized and clean-loving but I literally don't know if it is ever possible for myself.

Anyways ... everywhere in the apartment is always clean. I'm always clean. My room ... not so much.

I'm not quite sure why I'm blogging about it other than the fact that sitting here writing is letting myself avoid the mess for a few more moments of my life.

For about a month I've been wanting to clean my room. Wanting means thinking about it but avoiding it any chance I've had. I've mentioned it to friends to get them to help, and a few had offered to help, but nothing panned out.

I thought about hiring someone to spend a day or two to just blitz it and fix it, but I knew eventually I'd man up.

Last night, as I climbed into bed, I knew that something had to happen. I got out of bed and researched organizing. I wanted the tips. I wanted the pros to give me the abc of organizing your room. I knew that I had to start with my closet, which until today had been lying all over my bedroom floor.

There are a LOT of websites on organizing. Most of them have awful websites. I wish that I could tell them all that branding is so very important, and that branding has to relate to your website. Oh man - sometimes I wish I was a website critic. It's not that I know how to make them in any way, but I sure can point out the issues when I look at them.

My current least favourite thing on a website is when music starts playing when you arrive. Music on a computer should always be by choice, not be force. I love Colbie Caillat, but she is not website music, no matter who you are. Also, it's this new trend to make people scroll sideways rather than up and down. In high school, when I was on yearbook team, we changed the layout of the yearbook so that instead of the binding side being long, we made the binding side short (does that make sense?). It was cool because it was a high school yearbook. On a website it is just odd to change the way people look. Call me old fashioned, but I liked scrolling up and down. I digress.

This morning, I woke up, ate my breakfast, and then took every piece of clothing I own outside of my room. There is now a large pile of clothing sitting outside the room. It's HUGE. It makes me realize how very privileged I am. It also makes me know that some of these clothes are going to need to go.

I spent most of the morning cleaning the closet, vacuuming, garbaging, and dreaming of ways to organize.

Then I took a four hour break. I then walked into my room, moved one thing into the closet, rearranged my hangers, and got overwhelmed.

My roommate is currently in Mexico on vacation. I have until Saturday to get this job done.

Do you think I'm a procrastinator?

Ha.

I was going to take pictures of the pile of clothing outside my door, but it's almost embarrassing to show the mess. I might take an after picture if I remember, but knowing me, I won't.

I always wonder how it is that I can organize events, help friends with their weddings, plan who knows what, keep the peace at work amidst the kids, lead in different ways, yet when it comes to my own room - that has never ever been possible.

I think that one of the best things that has happened to me in the last year was the dishwasher. I really do. It saves everything.

I'm going out with friends for the evening to watch movies, but my goal before I go to bed is to at least sort the clothes by type. They don't need to have a home, but one giant pile won't help anybody. I wish I was good at this.

All I'm trying to do is avoid disaster. Desperately trying.

Who are we?

2011-11-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

...as a side note before I even begin, I started listening to Christmas music today. Just a couple songs. There are random moments in life when I remember that the rules from childhood (eg. no Christmas music until December 1st which is also the same day heat was allowed to be turned on in our house) don't matter and no longer apply. Sometimes it is a bit too exciting to realize these things.

Last night, I was at an event with church. It was for ministry leaders, community group leaders, and apprentices. I fall under the apprentice category so I was blessed to attend. I felt like a fish out of water. I so often get reminded that yet I know a lot, I still have so much to learn. It's discouraging, and yet inspiring to continually pursue the Lord and his word, which gives life. The talk, and discussion, was about creation. It looked at who God is, who he created us to be, and why he created us. It was quite interesting. I'm always amazed by people who can look at several chapters of the Bible and highlight so much truth in amidst it. I feel like when I read the Bible, I learn little bits, but never as much as I do when I'm taught the Bible. It's such a gift, to be a teacher of the word. A burdensome gift; a gift nonetheless.

Then today I had a beautiful conversation with a friend about honouring God amidst singleness, and figuring out how to battle loneliness. At church on Sunday, James said something along the lines of, "more so than wanting to make us sin, the devil wants us to feel condemned and ashamed of our sin, because even he knows that sin was atoned for and forgiven on the cross". This idea that our guilt holds us back. We were chatting about this, how so often it is ourselves that holds our self back. We give off the "everything is great" attitude day after day and then wonder why everyday is so hard. I think that God is so much more about love than we even can imagine.

The fact that he created humans the way he did, after he had already made the rest of creation suitable for them, shows love. The fact that he gave them everything that they needed to survive and allowed them to walk and talk with him showed his love. The fact that he gave Adam the duty of naming the animals, an authority over each animal, shows that love he had for Adam. The fact that he brought together Adam and Eve from two ribs to one is significant. Norm chatted about this last night - the first marriage wasn't the union of two people. It was the union of one man into a woman who then became his wife. This is God's love. God creates. It's mind blowing this love God has for his creation, and most specifically man and woman. The fact that he sent his son speaks volumes. The fact that .... need I go on?

Tonight marks a first for me. I'm apprenticing to be a community group leader with westside and tonight I am leading the group. I'm excited. I'm nervous. Gosh I'm nervous. It's funny how I've felt this call to leadership for my entire life, and yet since moving to Vancouver have done had very few leadership opportunities and roles. What were all those courses that I aced for then? What Lord? If you read this before this evening you can even pray for this evening! And if you read it after well ... a prayer spoken after is probably just as effective as one before.

Yesterday I witnessed a car accident. I was turning left, and the person across from my side of the intersection turned left when they should not have and were hit by someone coming from my side. Eek. I turned left as soon as I could, and pulled over as soon as I could, called 911, ran back to check on everybody. Everyone was so calm and no one has hurt. Praise Jesus. It was also surreal. I was telling my Mom that we all have a quota of accidents for us and since I have now been in an accident and seen an accident, I'm all done!- why did I share this? - I don't have a reason.

Today after class I was walking back to the sky train to go home. As I walked amidst strangers, casually chatting to themselves, I wondered how to be more mission focused in my living. How do I live our the gospel when I walk down the street? How do I tell my apartment co-existers that I love Jesus and that he loves them? This is where I wrestle now.

My song of the day is by Kari Jobe called "We are". It's beautiful.

we are the light of the world

Reason (tentative name)

2011-11-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

The other day, my roommate called me asking me to carry some blankets up to our friends house. Their home is two blocks away. I was happy to oblige. As I grabbed about five or six blankets, I started to envision a song.

I started walking up, and wondering what people in their car were thinking. I know when I see someone doing something that is outside the norm, I always wonder why. For me, I'm usually inspired and encouraged that there are others that do things outside the norm, but I wonder what people think when I do it.

Later that night, I donned my gnome costume, and strolled up to their house yet again for a fun Halloween party. I got stopped by a police officer asking me if I was Santa. "No sir". "Oh ... you're a gnome. You have a good night ma'am." Thanks.

It's interesting how peoples tendency is to glare at things they aren't accustomed to. People more naturally frown than smile so often. I was browsing through some pictures of an event, and I couldn't help but notice all the frowns at the people who were having the most fun!

This song I wrote before the party, but after the blanket stroll. I just kept thinking about how we all have our different standards and reasons. Yet who is to say what is correct and not. I'm not exactly talking moral and religious, because truth is truth, but what about the rest of the things which we blur lines. In my Psych class, some guy commented that obviously we know everything about this certain thing. I raised my hand and commented on how back in the day, the psychologists then also felt that they knew everything. Freud and Rogers, all of those guys, they believed in what they believed. Are we so different now?

The moral of the story is that so often I close my mouth. So often I keep my mouth closed and don't let the things I think out because I'm just as worried as everybody else is to break the mood.

The "you" in the story is the Lord. Without Him, my words, my truth, they'll ring dull.

This was a song that made me chuckle several times as I wrote it.

The name is tentative because you've got to be careful. Can't be too careful.

Pipe Dreams

2011-10-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share a song I wrote today.

It's called Pipe Dreams.

‘cause fairytales, princesses, midnight kisses, it’s all bliss yes

horse, ships, castles too,

with them I’d be happy

to go anywhere with my charming

right there by my side

until then I’ll keep sleeping

to keep my dreams alive

...

Wither

2011-10-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, out of the blue, in amidst not doing homework, a song came to mind. I don't know where it came from, but when you're a few months into a dry spell as a writer of songs, you take what you can get.

I grabbed my guitar, and just started plucking out my idea.

I played the first verse for a long time, singing different lines, over and over. I can't remember exactly which line it was, but all of a sudden, I yelled out! I can't remember what I yelled, I think it was, "YES!" or something. I grabbed my computer and just started typing. I needed to get these words out.

Oftentimes when I write, I find I love my verse, or love my chorus, and sometimes I like both or more. In no way do I feel that this is the best piece I've written. Yet something about this song is a bit more honest that I've been able to pen other thoughts out. There is something in each word, in each phrase, in each note - that speaks my heart.

As I mentioned in the last post (I think it was that one), songwriting is how I process. I pen down in a more or less symbolic way my heart. By writing this song down, I think I can start to move forward more so than I have been doing. As I move forward, I trust that more songs will come to represent different aspects of that same heart.

As a premise before I write the words down here and share the link, I feel a need to add more description to it. This song is yes, about my heart right now. It is most specifically about a certain person, and yet it is about a lot more than that. As I sing it, I visualize more than just a picture of a boy I dated this summer. I see more than that, because life is about a lot more than just that. This song, the blog, and most definitely this girl - I write here to share my heart. And if I have to hide the situations I face, then I can't be honest. I make distinct choices about what I blog about, and who I write about, but all in all, it is not about hurting anyone.

Ten weeks and two days ago a boy asked me out.
Six weeks and one day ago a boy told me that I wasn't the one for him. He told me that I'm perfect for him, but not for him. It's been one of the most complex sentences and paragraphs of my life to disect.

God is so gracious. Mostly I've been distracted by all the things He is teaching me. I don't have time to think about how I can be right for someone yet not right for them. He keeps me busy so I don't look back on a beautiful relationship and see holes. My job is to praise God in every season, regardless of whether they are seasons of joy or sorrow.

This song doesn't talk about Jesus. It's almost hard to find Jesus in this song. But He is here.

And who I was then is far different than now. That is a lot more about Jesus than a heartbreak. I'm only different because God allows situations to come into my life. God allows me to be broken so that I need Him all the more. He allows me to have my heart hurt so that I realize that the only thing I need is His love. That's not a, "all I need is Jesus" statement. I need Jesus, I need community, I need teaching, I need learning, I need discipline, and the list continues for a long time. I feel like I am on the tail-end of this heartache. I still feel hurt often, but more often than not, I can direct my emotion to Jesus. Yesterday, as I considered the location I had stood six weeks prior as I came home from work same as I did that day, I asked Jesus to distract my heart. I asked Him to remind me that He is God, and He is sovereign. I think part of that distraction came a few hours later, late in the evening, when the words and sounds of this song came into place.

This is turning into a long premise.

This song is called wither.

if I could go back in time
would I still use the same rhyme

would i use it differently
or would I diffuse beautifully
would I weather a different storm
or would I wither from the scorn

oh.

I don’t know if I can sing the same songs
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could erase the day
the day he asked for me to delay
would I change my response
or would i change my direction
would I directly ignore the signs
or would I be able to tear myself away from the vine

oh.

I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to sing along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could go back ten weeks
would I have known that I could get so weak

if I could go back ten weeks

would I have known that I'd still be this weak
if I could go back ten weeks
would I still go through it all

oh.

no.

I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum or sing along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could go back ten weeks

would I still be this weak

would I weather a different storm
or would I wither from the scorn

I'd probably be weathering a different storm

but I'll never wither from the scorn

As I read through the lyrics now, a solid not yet twenty-four hours since they were written, something about them tells me that this is a lot more about Jesus than I thought.

if I could go back ten years, I would not have written the life I live currently as what I desired. I wanted to be a teacher (I think - though my indecisive heart is consistent in that I never really knew what I wanted)

if I could go back four or five years ago, I would not have written the life I live now as what I desired. I wanted to be married by twenty, at least, and wanted to have four children before I was thirty. My entire life I have always desired to be a young mom.

if I could go back twelve weeks, I would not have expected the following experiences. I didn't expect to meet him. I didn't expect to date. I didn't expect for it not to work. I think mostly though, I really didn't expect to have someone want to date me. (this isn't a depressive "nobody loves me" messages - simply an honest depiction of where I was at) I chatted with a friend about the fact that when we pray for God to bring someone (a romantic someone) into our life, we expect that it probably will not happen for about five years or so.

if I could go back ten weeks and four days, I certainly did not expect what was going to happen four days from then. I sat on a picnic bench that Wednesday up at camp and poured out my heart to the Lord. I repeated Psalm twenty-five over and over and over again. Four days later, I repeated it to the Lord again with a thankful heart. Four week later, I repeated it to the Lord with a questioning heart. It might be time to go read it again with a new heart.

if I could go forward ten weeks from now, I expect I'd still be able to sing the same song. It might have a different tune and a different message, but I wouldn't be able to sing it yet. I don't even know how to hum along.

I don't know where God is leading me. I do know that I love the Lord, and He is teaching me new things often, stretching my thoughts and beliefs every time I ask Him to.

if I could go back to my ten years back self, my four or five years back self, my twelve weeks back self, my ten weeks back self, every part of my self I have experienced, I think I would point myself in the direction of the cross.

In the song, there is one line which I hope isn't misheard. It's a one word line. no. If I could go back in time, and had known what would happen, I probably wouldn't have gone through with it. Yet after going through this season, I would go back. I wouldn't change anything. It has given me more compassion, and much much more trust that God is the healer of every pain I experience.

My plans are great. Beautiful and comfortable. Never as stunning as the Lord's. He is sovereign, and because of that, I will never ever wither.

Surrender and Repeat on Edit

2011-10-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote this earlier today, and am close to deleting it. Instead I'll edit and see how I feel later.

Mostly because I'm sick of seeming to write the same thing. Largely due to the fact that I wish I could keep these emotions in, hidden. I can't seem to figure out how to represent myself right now. I wrote a verse for a song today. That's all I've written (songwriting wise) in the past month. In a month filled with a lot of emotion, you'd think that I'd be writing up a storm. I'm scared to write out these emotions because writing them out makes them set in stone. I'm not sure if that makes sense. An hour ago I pulled out my guitar, and played songs I wrote in January. I remember where I was when I wrote them both physically and emotionally. I know who was sitting beside me, and the people who inspired the songs. I can vividly feel those emotions when I play the songs. So somehow now, by not writing my emotions into song I am avoiding future pain. Yet by keeping them in, I am prolonging this pain. I know this because after writing the songs in January I was able to move forward. It might be time to spend a day with my guitar.

Heartache is not like a headache which you can treat with a pill, but is a bit more like a twisted ankle that slowly gains strength over a length of time. Bad eyes get glasses, bad teeth get braces. Cold hands wear gloves, and when it rains, one grabs an umbrella.

There are various remedies; chocolate, ice cream, tears, chick flicks, girl times, etc, etc.... There is also Jesus. A lot of Jesus. A lot of surrender. Yet heartache doesn't get cured. It just has to be constantly dealt with. Or at least that's how mine is.

Surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. Repeat. Rinse? Surrender.

I keep having to re-throne the Lord. Because every time I get hit with a wave, I realize how much more of Jesus I need. I realize how broken I am, not only because of all that has happened, but also because my sin is great. Yet my Maker is greater. His faithfulness is more endless than the horizon seems to stretch, and his love is unending.

The "pro" of this experience in my life is that it makes me need Jesus to fill the voids I mentioned a while ago. I'm learning that Jesus fills the voids. No person or thing can fill them. Jesus is the only thing that will bring joy to my heart. A gospel centered life is the only way to live.

In the middle of family dinner on Thanksgiving, I suddenly was hit with a wave. I looked around and realized that there was supposed to be an extra seat there. I was skyping with my brother, and thought of the shadow that was supposed to be leaning over my shoulder joining in the conversation. We were sharing the things we were thankful for, and it took me a really really long time to share what I was thankful for because I knew what I would have shared if life hadn't shifted this way.

My list of thanks is large. My family is beautiful. Each of them is uniquely different from one another, yet share so many things in common (like our taste in jokes - ugh). I'm incredibly thankful for Megan, my sweet roommate. Her constant support for me over the past month has been over and above the call of duty for her. I'm over the moon thankful for my church. I am thankful for the friendships I have due to meeting people there, and for the teaching I hear each week. My Vancouver life would be a lot different if I didn't go there. I'm thankful for my home. My third Vancouver home is the first one which I have no desire to leave. I'm thankful for my job. I love getting to hang out with my kids twice a week, and watch them slowly grow up. School isn't exactly on my list of thankfulness, but I am thankful for the doors that potentially will be opened due to me being obedient in going back to school.

I only edited out a bit of this. Took out some anger, and filled in some love.

I'm really liking this song lately. Here's another version. I think I like the second version better.

I never meant to wither. I wanted to be tall.

Wipe the mark of sadness from my face.
Show me that your love will never change.
If my yesterday is a disgrace.
Tell me that you still recall my name.

And I wont fight for anyone until you move my hands.

My trust and hope is in the Lord. His love is endless, and He has a plan for my life that is beautiful. Beautiful not because it is what I desire. Beautiful because it will bring glory to His name. Beautiful because it helps me to more and more seek first the kingdom.

Twirl The Bowling Ball

2011-09-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

...and then all of a sudden you get blessed by a perfect evening filled with old friends and new friends. You go bowling and you all aren't that good, so it makes it perfect. You play one game for competition, and then the next you just do silly things. You dance around (or at least I did - they didn't), you wear orange tights (again, that's just me), and you have fun. Then you go buy root beer and ice cream, make floats, and watch a funny movie. There's a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles...

I live a wonderful life. I have friends who are all beautiful and supportive. I'm so thankful. I think tonight was the first time in a long time where for every single moment, for me at least, where everything felt good. I've had some good hang outs recently, and a lot of fun distracting evenings out with friends, but this one I didn't fake it once.

And dang, I bowl extra good when I do a twirl into a lunge. Dang. I also apparently dance well to lil wayne. What can I say ... I'm a white girl who should have been a rapper (cue t.swizzle). Meh.

Hold Me Together

2011-09-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hello Mercy,
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know
Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

I bought this song by Royal Tailor earlier this week. I just hit my 137th (and counting) play. Part of the reason is that is it catchy. Part of it is that it captures a bit of my heart. And part of it is that it is beautiful. The Lord is the only thing that holds me together. He is my strength.

I changed my fb profile picture to a comic. You probably don't know this, but I dislike strongly when people put pictures not of themselves as their profile picture. I think it is odd. I don't get it. And yet I did it. Because as I was looking at my pictures, I couldn't find one of myself that describes who I am right now. So a comic about a tadpole wanting to be a doctor and being told that it will only ever be a frog - that's me now. Right now I'm a dreamy tadpole.

God's plan is perfect. It's not just a look back and see what God has done in the past to prove the future. It's a look around at everything and see how beautifully God has weaved together this world. The sky has had a lot of emotion today. It's been bright, clear, cloudy, grey, blue, white, light grey, dark grey. It's been everywhere. Yesterday I drove with a friend and we talked about how the sky so often points us to the magnificence of the Lord. It shows me His strength when I see the sun pushing through the clouds.

The Escape

2011-09-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I had this moment when everything went wrong.

My day was good. Beautiful actually. It started with the dentist fixing a tooth that chipped on Monday. For some reason I don't think I've ever minded going to the dentist. And my dentist is just so kind that it is almost a treat to get to got there!

The day went by ...

Later I went to my evening class. I really enjoyed it, but was aware that I have a long way to go to understand statistics and the science aspect that apparently are a large part of psychology. I stayed after and asked my prof for some help. She was so kind. She stayed for about half an hour with myself and a couple other students who heard me asking for help and explained it. I still feel like most of it is foggy, but it's far less foggy than before.

I often have to remind myself that it is okay that I don't know things. It's a hard balance because I do know a lot of things, and I am quite smart, but I've been out of education for a while. My high school math skills are basically non-existent anymore, and everything I might have tried to learn in Sciences I flushed out intentionally after my exams were done. Anyone who was in my biology 12 class would know that biology is not my strong suit. Yet I don't like the fact that I don't just know things. Learning is apparently a process.

Anyways, then I went home. I got a few more things done, listened to music, so on so forth, and eventually went to bed.

Up until now this week, since Monday, I've been doing pretty good. I know I didn't blog about the weekend. I'm not sure I can. The things I would have to write would probably come out wrong. Just know that it was hard. Yet amidst the fact that it was emotionally trying, God let me hear truth from various people. I also played fun games, danced as if I know how to (not), and made a crap load of buttons.

I've had a certain chat a few times over the past week and a half. I always seem to get back to this point. My struggle is a lot less to do with being broken-up with than it is with the fact that I was okay being single. And now I'm not. Daily I'm having to remind myself of my worth in Christ. I had to do that before, but it wasn't quite so often, and my prayers weren't quite so needy.

I wasn't a desperate single. I prayed that God would bring a man into my life who would love me, but I kind of figured it wouldn't happen for a while. I'm young, I'm busy, I'm apparently unique and so I figured my chances were low.

But then I met someone.

And it was great. It was the most fun month I have had in a very long time. And then it ended. Which is okay. God has given me a lot of peace that it is right that it ended. His timing is perfect. Sometimes I forget, and need reminder, but for the most part I've come to the conclusion that though the relationship was wonderful, it was not the right one.

But now what? Now I know how excellent it is to be cared for. One of my favourite aspects of dating was that I got to care for him. I got to pray for him, to listen to his thoughts, and to stand beside him. It's amazing how quickly someone fills voids in your life that you were not aware were there. Once that person is gone, you see voids. I won't list them, but I see them.

How do I sort this out? How do I remember how much I enjoyed being single? How do I put myself back to that place where I was confident in being by myself, and diligent in serving God with my time? How do I do these things?

So then last night. I went to bed. I closed my eyes. And so many things flashed before my eyes. The hardest part was that they were all good memories of the relationship. All my favourite moments flashed before my eyes, and the devil whispered to me that I'm not okay. He told me that I'm not worth it. He told me that I'm alone, that no one cares, and that no one will ever fall for me again.

I sat up. I knew that I was hearing words that were not truth. But I let myself listen. For a minute or two I sat there listening.

Then I caught myself. [No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.] (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I grabbed my phone and texted a few friends. I asked for prayer. I told them a bit of what was happening, and begged that they pray on my behalf.

I started to try to sleep again.

But I wanted to go back to those images. I wanted to hear those lies. Because I wanted to be sad. I couldn't. I tried to picture those same pictures, but my mind wouldn't go there. I physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I was not allowed to go to those places. Because God had heard the prayers and was providing the escape.

God is so good. As you read what I wrote, I hope that is all that you see. He is faithful. He is with us. He is here.

Follow Me?

2011-09-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

This may not interest anyone at all, and I certainly am fine with that, but I just added my blog to Bloglovin which is a site that puts all of the blogs you read in one place to make it simple and easy to read. Feel free to follow me on the site if you'd like.

In other news, I get to go back up to Anvil for the weekend. It's College Kid Camp! I'm pretty excited. My plan is to bring a bunch of books about Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit, and very little else. So if I come back and don't know more about God, you can smack my hand or something...

God has brought a lot of peace to my sore heart this week. Monday night broke me, but I woke up this morning with an renewed sense that my hope is built on Christ alone. I don't feel quite as tattered today. Today, I sat in one boring class, one useless class, and one fun class. I laughed like it was last week, went on a run with my beautiful sister Kiks (we did two runs this week - we're a running club now), ate an entire chocolate bar (to make up for the run), and realized that my life is pretty good. I'm not better but I'm mending quite quickly.

Yesterday, as I was I think in amidst the three various beverage dates with friends, God brought to mind a passage that He wove deep into my heart a few years ago. I know I've certainly posted about it at some point, but it might have been on my last blog as I think He taught me this when I lived in Africa. Anyways ...

Matthew 14: 10-14

[Herod] sent and had John beheaded in the prison,

and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl,

and she brought it to her mother.

And his disciples came and took the body and buried it,

and they went and told

Jesus.

Now when Jesus heard this,

he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself.

But when the crowds heard it,

they followed him on foot from the towns.

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd,

and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

This is one of my MOST favourite passages of scripture when it comes to me understanding Jesus. Sometimes I can't wrap my mind around Jesus (and I actually have a strong belief that if I ever do manage to wrap my mind around Him I'll have failed in a different way) because Jesus lived a perfect life. It's hard for me to understand because I'm not perfect, and I sin all all all the time; I forget how to love people, I get angry, annoyed, and mostly I get selfish. Jesus never did those things.

But Jesus did mourn. He withdrew to a desolate place. Desolate is defined as "devoid of warmth, comfort, or hope" and similar words in the dictionary paint it as "barren", "lonely", "dreary". It is the opposite of heart-warming. Jesus was going there. He wanted to go there.

He had just heard of the death of John. John mattered to Jesus. I consider that they were friends, and certainly that Jesus had respect for the work that John was doing. Jesus was sad. He had lost a friend. He had lost someone who he cared about, who cared about him, and who was doing good. Jesus needed to get away. He needed to mourn, and so he went to do so. He left on a boat to a place that would be dreary.

I've had moments in many seasons of life where I have desperately needed to go to a place that is dreary and just be sad. To be sorrowful and mourn in order to eventually be joyful and filled with hope.

As Jesus arrived in this place, where he was hoping to get to lose hope for a moment, he was met by crowds. Crowds who needed him, their Saviour.

Jesus loved people. He still does. Jesus loves people. He loves you. Jesus wants to heal everyone of everything that plagues them. When people ask why God allows suffering, I think that God's heart breaks because I don't think He finds any joy in our suffering; He has an ultimate plan in mind that will end suffering for all who call on His name.

God loves everyone and in Him brokenness is banished, fears are forgotten, and love is lavished.

Yesterday as the Lord brought this passage to mind, I felt like Jesus told me that I am called to a higher purpose, which is to glorify Him. I need to fill my heart with compassion and heal the sick, whoever and whatever they and that may be. My sadness is understandable, but His strength is indescribable. I am called to witness, to love, to forgive, and to make Jesus known everywhere.

Kiks told me on Monday that oftentimes we like to separate joy and suffering. We don't think that they can be together. But they can be together. Jesus shows us that. We can be in seasons of sorrow yet still living out His joy.

So, I'm kneeling at the foot of the cross, casting my burdens down (repeatedly, admittedly), and I am going to passionately pursue Jesus.

Carry Me

2011-09-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide
You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me
You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

-Audry Assad

I just need to point out that the Lord has blessed me with incredibly supportive friends and family.

I'm seeking to surround myself with His truth today.

I don't want to listen to sad songs and get angry.

I want to look back on this time and see that God worked because God is working.

This past year is not one I wish to repeat.

I hated losing my job, questioning timing of various lack of opportunities, working in jobs where I had little joy, slowly watching things change when I needed faster results, and the opposite of waiting a lot in amidst feeling like I was ready for things.

Nothing has been my timing. Nothing.

This week I keep reminding myself of how hard this year has been.

I need also to remember the goodness.

God has taught me more this year than I think any other year combined, and I trust that I'll say the same thing next year.

I've learnt the importance of naming my sin. Naming, claiming, refraining.

Then rethroning Christ.

Heartache is a new thing for me.

At least this kind of heartache.

I've been single before. I spent most of my life here.

This time it is harder though.

It's hard to no longer get to hang out with the someone who was becoming a part of my daily life and certainly a part of my forever dreams.

Yet I have to trust.

I don't want to.

If anything it actually angers me that I know that God is faithful.

It'd be a lot easier to choose to sin and be angry and bitter, but I can't.

God is too good for me to waste time.

He is too faithful for me to forget.

-Nadine

I know this full well

2011-09-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

-Psalm 13

I don't feel a strong need to explain my heart. It is in a state it hasn't been before. I sat in my car this evening and sobbed this prayer in front of my God. I know He is faithful. I know He is good. I know He has His best interest for me which always has to do with giving Himself the glory that He deserves. For that I am thankful.

Circumstances are not always amazing. Seasons change four times a year times it seems a million in my life.

Last night I cried as I considered how hard this year has been, and sorrowed in this new season.

My God is good. He is true. He is strong. He is faithful. My fears are stilled and silenced at His throne.

My desire in each day, in each circumstance, always, is to give Him glory and witness well for Him.

Today I sorrow. But come some tomorrow, I will sing songs of joy. I know this full well.

Delivered

2011-08-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

I will bless ( I will speak good words of Him ) the Lord ( 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ) at all times; his praise shall continually ( I will actively ponder you always ) be in my mouth.

My soul ( Jeremiah 9:23-24 Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” ) makes its boast ( I will boast only of grace because of Christ Jesus )in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!

I sought ( Matthew 7:7-8 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ) the Lord, and he answered ( Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. ) me and delivered ( The Lord knows even the fears I have not discovered yet, and already He has rescued me ) me from all my fears ( Psalm 46: 1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. ).

Those who look to him are radiant ( I will never be silent of my love of God ), and their faces shall never be ashamed ( Philippians 1:20 [It is] my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. ).

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved ( Romans 10:13 For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” ) him out of all his troubles ( When I remember my past, even amidst trial and pain, I can see that the Lord was working for His good, for His glory, for His pleasure, and because He loves me. ).

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good ( I have tasted. I have seen. God is good. )!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him ( Who in all of the earth shall I fear? My Lord is for me )!

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek ( Proverbs 28: 5 Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the Lord understand it completely. ) the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen ( Everyday I shall realign my steps with that of the Lord. ) to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord ( Psalm 86:11 Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. ).

What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good?

Keep your tongue ( James 3:3-5 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! ) from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away ( 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. ) from evil and do good; seek peace and ( Hebrews 12:14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. ) pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry ( When I call on His name He answers. There has never been a time when He has not responded to my cry. ).

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near ( Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds. ) to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

( 2 Timothy 3:12-15 Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. ) Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers ( Proverbs 20:22 Do not say, “I will repay evil” wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. ) him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

The Lord redeems ( Galations 4:4-7 [When] the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. ) the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned ( grace upon grace upon grace ).

Psalm 34

(if it is in brackets and is not referenced to scripture, it is my thought and/or prayer)

Resting

2011-08-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time resting in God's arms lately. I've been in my car a bit more than usual lately, and my new job requires me to be in a file room a lot. Both of those places offer a place where the only other occupant is for the most part God. In my car I usually listen to worship music, and then turn it off to pray. I'm re-falling in love with prayer. I didn't fall out of love with it, but I'm using it more and more and more each day. In the filing room, I sometimes use the music on my phone, but I usually don't because I feel weird when someone walks in on me singing amidst all the files. So I pray. I ask a lot of questions. God's answering them quite quickly. A lot of my questions right now are yes or no questions. Is what I'm doing right now correct? Am I walking in step with your plan? Am I giving glory to you in amidst this season?

School starts in a couple of weeks. My books just arrived a few minutes ago. Amazing how four books can cost hundreds of dollars. It's actually a bit heart breaking. I am quite excited for this new season. I'm super aware that I will have to work my butt off, but at the same time I know that I am moving forward in a way I haven't done in a while. I couldn't be more thankful for the past four years of my life, for the adventures and issues I have walked through, but I am also excited for what will occur in about four years. Haha. These four years (or longer or shorter, all depending on HIS timing) will lead me towards steps I wasn't sure I wanted to take. School has never been my dream. Helping people is my dream. To be more specific, I feel called to bring peace. I am filled with a peace that transcends any understanding, and I believe that others should be as well. So if school is the direction to that step, then step step step away.

I can't quite remember if I've written about my courses. I'm taking French (I decided a few months ago that I would like to be bilingual eventually), English, Philosophy (that textbook is filled with lots of interesting things - aka whoa), and two Psychology classes. I had wait listed myself for a bunch of other interesting courses, and I actually made it into each of them (or was offered a spot) but I was at camp and missed my deadlines. It's a bit sad, but I wouldn't trade that week at camp for anything.

My Dad turned 62 last week. Dad is my hero. He literally is in a fight with a disease, but you would never know that based on his attitude. His attitude inspired me. His faith in God, and his never wavering desire to show others Christ amidst everything inspired me to do the same. I remember years ago I would always ask him, "why you Dad"? Why do you have Parkinson's? His response has never changed. "Why not me"? I used to live in a lot of fear around him. I was scared that he would die any minute. I still often have to give that fear up to God, but it's a lot easier now. I rest assured that God's plan is beautiful.

Today is a day off day. It's been quite perfect. I slept in, and just woke up a few minutes ago from a nap. Aka it's a lovely day. Now I should run errands or else it'll be a wasted day.

But to leave a blog post without discussing the most important thing would be useless.

Jesus loves you. Seriously. So much.

Dancing Past Dark

2011-08-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how once I hit the point of breaking, God suddenly teaches me that I don't need to be broken. He always fixes.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; butthey who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This past week I counselled up at Anvil. It will probably go down as one my most precious weeks of the summer. I was challenged by questions from campers, and daily taught new things from God. I had an honest prayer with God via the Psalms which were speaking exactly as my heart was feeling. God's comfort was my strength. I'm learning how to wait for the Lord. The longer I wait, the quicker He arrives.

Camp is a perfect place for me. I get to dance around all day long, wear wacky clothes, teach beautiful girls that God thinks they are great, and in amidst it all God teaches me more than I think He can.

The passage from Isaiah was a portion of a song that we danced and sang all week. It was my favourite song for its actions, and also its strong push for me to rely on God rather than my self.

God is good.

So He Does

2011-08-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

I've been in an interesting funk these days. And when I say funk, I mean that the Lord just won't keep quiet! It's a good thing, but bothersome nonetheless in the most positive bothersome opinion known to me!

Let's talk about how He's shown Himself.

Last week I got to babysit for the Landry's. They're the new pastoral couple at church and they've got three UBER cute daughters. I was so blessed by that time. You might not see Jesus in that, but for me, I love children and have a heart to be around them. I got to talk to them, play with them, read scripture with them, pray for and with them, and truly was blessed to be there. I know that regardless of what the circumstances will be, God will always provide opportunity for me to be around children. My prayer is motherhood someday, but God continually reminds me to trust Him with the details and to seek first His kingdom! While the girls were sleeping, I read half of a book on their wall. SO good. God's been bringing me back to the cross alllll the time.

Later in the week we had worship practice for Sunday. The last few times I've been on worship team, I've been able to just feel the Spirit moving during the practices which is SUCH a beautiful thing. Worship through music is such an amazing opportunity to see God move and speak and get gain His presence in life.

On Saturday I got to meet up with several friends throughout the day. I am always encouraged through conversations with friends. I love investing and being invested in. Such a beautiful gift.

On Sunday it was church. Aka my favourite moment! I love the fact that even though I've "known" God for what seems like my entire life, He can still so constantly teach, encourage, inspire, convict, and always show up to me!

This past Monday I got to hang out with my friend Emily. It was such a relaxed time, but it was so cool to hear what God is doing in her life.

In church the past few weeks, I've been really convicted that God needs to mean so much more to my daily life. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty good at talking about God, blogging about God, and when it gets down to it, I converse with God all the time. Yet when it comes to reading my Bible, reading anything about the Bible and God and such, and even those lovely sermons everyone loves, I struggle. It's not like I don't enjoy those things, because I do, but they're not natural for me. I don't think of reading my Bible when I have a spare five minutes, or weekend. It's something I've felt guilty about for a long time. The kind of guilt that walks with you, and more or less calls your name every single day, with a certain loud ring on Sundays.

That guilt has been slowly going because every time I see it as guilt, Jesus points to His hands and tells me that He loves me. He reminds me that there is no condemnation in His name, simply grace upon grace. I need to hear Him say that everyday to me. So He does. So He does.

Earlier on Monday morning I pulled out one of my Bibles. Regiment is not my thing. Anything I have to do everyday, rinse, and repeat falls under things I avoid. I like new adventures and new things. Consistency in reading my Bible has been my hugest issue for a long time. The sermon on Sunday was literally, how to approach the Bible (scripture), how to read the Bible, and how to listen to a sermon. It doesn't get much more helpful than that. I was encouraged and convicted beautifully by the Spirit to work the Bible into my every day life.

So Monday morning I got up earlier than I needed to, made a nice breakfast, made coffee, and put everything on the table by my Bible. Then I sat there and stared at it. Long story short, after searching the Bible for a while, I just kept asking myself and God, and how am I supposed to live. The book of Matthew has so much Jesus speech. The other gospels are great, but I wanted to reread Matthew. There was a book I read a couple of years ago that hugely inspired some big changes in my life and helped bring me back to Jesus that was based on the book of Matthew, specifically the beatitudes.

I open the book of Matthew and simply read the study notes at the beginning. Anything it referenced, I read. Anything that was there, I read. I underlined, I prayed, and ultimately, I learnt. God is so good. I keep telling God that I'm worried about how I'll read the Bible, or that I'm not able to do it. He always chuckles and reminds me that that's the point! It's this endless lesson of remembering that it is by the strength of God alone that I can do anything.

I can't imagine a life without God by the way. It breaks my heart.
I know I spent a couple years where Christ was not my foundation, but even in those seasons, amidst times of serious sin and awful decisions, I knew that God was God. God was and is still that same God. I don't know who you are as you read this, but know, God loves you and desires you to know Him. I promise, your life will get better than it is now. Better is a word that can mean a lot of things, but the joy of the Lord is way better than any high you can get off wherever your life is now.

On Monday evening we had the wedding rehearsal for Kevin and Christy! I am SO beyond excited for Friday night. On of my sweetest, dearest, most like me in thought process friends is getting married. Married to a man God has been shaping all his life, and who has the same spirit of adventure that she has always had!

The rehearsal went great, and dinner was tasty. After we drove over to where the reception will be. It was out by Crescent Beach. I got out of the car and was pulled towards the water by my soul! The sunset was so so so so so so stunning. I literally could feel every part of my whole self worship God, and I watched as creation worshipped Him in that moment! James, the pastor for the wedding, who also is a pastor at westside, came up and we both just stood there revelling in God's glory, and talking about how God created everything to bring glory to His name, and at the same time, because of that glory, all of creation praises Him. It is such a beautiful display. I fell in love with God in that moment. I already loved God, but it grew dramatically right then. I am so blessed by the amount that I feel the Spirit in me. Every time I feel the Spirit of God move, I get tingles to my soul, because it is such an honour to get to know a little bit more of God's heart.

Last night was a meeting for summer camp. I'm heading up to counsel at a camp next week, and it was so fun to meet one of my co-counsellors, to pray together, and to pray as a group for what God will do. Please join me in praying for my campers salvation, and for just ready hearts all around!

The next few days will be filled with friends, a wedding (YAY!!!!), and then camp! I'm so excited.

Last night as I was driving home after the meeting I had a rather honest conversation with God about where my heart is on certain issues, and I felt so free in that moment. I'm so thankful that God lets me approach the throne with such utter honesty, and so often from a broken human perspective. God changed my heart as I drove, and taught me things simply while I drove. There is NO other God like Him.

This stuck out to me from something I read the other day. (As you can see, God is changing my heart and getting me to start seeking wisdom) "Paul shows us, then, that we must not just simply ask in every area of life: “what is the moral way to act?” but “what is the way that is in-line with the gospel?” The gospel must be continually “thought out” to keep us from moving into our habitual moralistic or individualistic directions. We must bring everything into line with the gospel". (Tim Keller)

I'm still thriving on Aaron Keyes and Kari Jobe. If you're not avid listeners, maybe try them out. If they're not your style obviously that is fine, but for me, their words and voices spur my heart to Jesus. Never before I had these cd's have I worship God so much in a car or in my apartment!

Lastly, it's my last day of my job. I'm still staying on their casual list, but my full-time time has come to an end. I've got 3 more hours of call centre life. I do love these people, but I am so very excited to move foward.

The future, as always, is only slightly known, but as everything, Jesus can teach me through that. The other day I had this vision of living in fog and stepping on large rocks across a valley and how I only get to know exactly where I stand now. Jesus is above, below, behind, and before me, always around me, always guiding, always God. It reminded me of the valley of dry bones for some reason. I love that. Oh Jesus.

So He Does. So He Does.

Only Just Begun

2011-07-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the middle of a blissful day.

Yesterday I spent my day hanging out with my lovely friends Taylor and Leah. Tay is from Ontario and I hadn't seen her in 3 years (minus the night last week when we went for dinner) and I haven't seen Leah in probably a year as well because Maple Ridge is apparently too far! It was such a nice day. We met up and had muffins then went thrift and vintage shopping. I was the most sucessful of the three. I got a nautical sweater, a western sweater, and a lacy sweater. Yay!

After meandering the afternoon with those lovelies, I drove out to Abbotsford to hang out with the fam. We had some tasty dinner, and then life went back to what it always was. Aka - Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy! Ate some ice cream, talked a bit of life, and then slept!

This morning I had coffee with my Mom at her work, ran a trillion Abbotsford errands - why are there always so many things I need to do out there? - then went on a perfect lunch date with April. Apee lives in Vancouver but is working in Abbotsford for the summer during the week. It was so fun to catch up!

I drove back to Vancouver this afternoon, packed for Portland, and then made 8 mix tapes for the drive down! I'm currently waiting on a call from Kirstyn for the 'let's go!'!!!!

So why is this day so blissful? Partly because Portland is wait-time plus a 6 hour drive away! So exciting. That and the fact that the Katy Perry concert that sparked this trip down is about 26 hours away!!!

That and the fact that God has been gracing me with HUGE things this week. I'm constantly in awe of God's ability to do things in my life that I didn't know He was doing, as well as surprise me with blessing after blessing.

A few weeks ago I got a call out of the blue for a casual position in fall. I hadn't applied for the position, and I hadn't even started worrying about work in the fall.

Then yesterday I received a cheque that was quite a bit larger than I had expected and because of that a lot of my worries have grown quite a bit smaller! I still have to save a lot of money for rent and other things, but my tuition is more or less paid for. Yay Jesus!

There's this song on an album I just bought today that played, and since then I've had it on repeat. It's the most amazing song of recent listenings! I suggest a listen. It's goooooooood!

It inspired me to do something that I've been trying to do in a larger capacity. I think there is something amazing when songs truly speak scripture. So that there is no doubt that what I sing is truth.

I love when God gives me the ability to sing praise to Him during a commute back to Vancouver. I am so blessed. Every time I fear the future, God pretty much just grins at me. That'll do Nadine. That'll do.

Ephesians 3: 20

Now to him who is able to do

far more abundantly

than all that we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us,

to him be glory

in the church and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations,

forever and ever.

Amen.

Fears Aside

2011-07-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

I'm finding the harder I try to be fearless the more aware I become of my fears.

And I'm not talking about bees, though I could be. 'Cause they are really scary.

I haven't shared my songs in a while (I actually can't remember when I last did, so if it was recently ... too bad)

This song is one that I wrote on Sunday night. My friend Christy came over and I've mentioned numerous times before, had a typical conversation. Typical conversation for us means that it is super intentional, and usually based around how faith is playing out in our lives. After she left I wrote a few words down, and then added some music Tuesday afternoon after work.

And this song I wrote after seeing the Civil Wars a couple of weeks ago. It was an INCREDible concert. Their voices are magical. And Joy Williams, the female of the duo, is like a fairy. She just dances around, flittering and fluttering. It was the most enchanting concert I've ever been to. The song is pretty simple. During the concert I was awed several times by the way their voices often just danced around the room, planned, but almost not. I came home and wrote the song Drifted.

And this song I wrote after being asked by a friend to write a love song. It's a lot easier to write about wanting love, desiring forever "ness", and being heart-broken than it is to write a song about already being there. Singleness is definitely a gift that I learn daily how to live out well, and I'm constantly praying for God to give me His timing in everything. That prayer goes for so much more than desiring love. Anyways though, this song is just one that I wrote that I like. And maybe someday I'll play guitar as good as my mind plays my songs.

That's all for today. Almost.

Titus 3:3-8

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

One Thing

2011-07-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

"One thing I of the Lord desire, for all my life hath miry been --
Be it by water or by fire, Oh, make me clean, Oh, make me clean!
So wash me now, without, within, or purge with fire, if that must be,
No matter how, if only sin die out in me, die out in me."
-A Clean Heart, W.G. Smith

Issues in Trust

2011-06-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Trust is such a funny thing, isn't it? We trust someone, they fail us, and we lose trust. We don't trust anyone, the fail us, and we're reenforcing ourselves. We try to stay mildly unattached to anything to save our self from pain. We decide to trust everyone, forgive everything, and then don't understand why we are frustrated with people.

Worry and fear, painfully close friends are often nearby the absence of trust. We trust but what if? What if nothing works? What if everything works? What if ...?

Fear is such a crutch. Crutches are supposed to help right though? They help us relearn how to walk when we've fallen. Eventually though we have to let go of them and walk on our own.

But trust, that's a different issue. So is fear the absence of trust? For me, my fears and lack of trust are never in God. Well, never is a strong word. Let's say, rarely. Sometimes I remind God of some ideas I have for the future. He's usually quite nice in how He reacts. Sometimes a laugh so hard it sounds like a thunderstorm, and sometimes it's even like a giggle like a light rain. Quite kind really. I do a lot of that. Letting God know my ideas for my future. Timelines that I have for everything. It's especially good for things that I have no control over. He loves that.

The beauty of it, from the God that I know, is that He does love it. I've never felt as though God is diminishing my thoughts or feelings. Often God has to teach me, and reteach me His will, and remind me of where to place my next step. I had a conversation a while back where I told someone that I love when I get convicted for certain things, because it makes me know that God is evidently working. This person told me that I was crazy, and that I didn't mean it. But I think it is because they thought I meant I liked being condemned. I don't like that, largely because that isn't from the Lord. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love. That's the Lord I know, because that is the Lord.

Anyways though, I get a verse a day from a man from my old church. I think it's this great ministry that he does. It's not that complicated, but it's a great way to literally get one tiny portion of scripture into every day - guaranteed.

Today's was one of those ones that came right on time.

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:18)

Though you might read that, and feel that I should have been convicted against anger for others, to me, I saw it as a beautiful description of Jesus reminding me to trust in His plan. I don't need to worry, to fret, to fear, to blame others for things, or to place trust in things of human nature. I need to love. I need to trust the LORD for everything! Everything! It's a huge task, but graciously, God is able.

God is the Lord. Wow. You know that feeling when something really really good happens, and you get super excited, and get goosebumps, and everything seems to get brighter for a moment - that's the way it is. God is the Lord! God made us, loves us, and is constantly working.

Whom then shall I fear?

Needing Jesus

2011-06-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

The horrific events of last night bring tears to my eyes, shudders to my spine, and an ever growing need for Jesus.

I was blue last night. Literally. After work, I ran to London Drugs to grab face paint to make everyone watching the game paint their faces. I wanted football lines on my face. It was going to be sweet. Meh. So I go to the makeup department, because I don't know where they'd be, and the guy working tells me that they don't have any, but that he'd be happy to paint my face. I laugh and say sure. I figure it'll take five minutes, and it'll be awesome. Twenty minutes later or so, I walk out of London Drugs with a blue air sole painted face! I had the logo of the stick on one cheek, and the number of my favourite Bieksa (3) on my other. I laughed so hard. I made Christy meet me there so that I could walk into the party at my friends and not feel so alone. It took me to the end of the first period to be brave enough to show it off! It serves me right. Football face - weak.

I was also blue last night watching the game. It was so sad, but that's all it was. The game finished and I watched the Stanley Cup presentation and started thinking of going home. Then my friend walked over and asked, "want to come downtown"? And so I did. I only went for maybe fifteen minutes and headed home, but it was shocking. I then spent the next three hours watching the news, and praying for peace.

My mind can't comprehend it. I get parts of it. Alcohol has made me do a lot of things that I would never do sober in the past. I remember also, in high school gym class, having to be talked to by my coach for my un-sportsmanship like conduct. I'm competitive. I get that. I understand being pissed when a game goes wrong, but then the whistle blows. Then you hash it out as a team, and get better. You work harder. You win next time. The fans watching are supposed to go home. They're supposed to leave.

I've spent much of today in tears. I can't get past it. I didn't sleep all night because all I can see is darkness, darkness covering light. There has been much said against Vancouver, against young twenty-something males, against drinking, against the police, against everyone, but the root of the problem is that everyday millions of people are choosing to give in to their flesh, bow to their idols, and ultimately, fuel their own religions of self.

This isn't a scenario when you can ask God, "why do You God, let bad things happen"? This is a personal question of, "why do I choose evil"? My heart rejoices that God has redeemed my soul, lifted me from the pit, and that I love Him. But then what?

At westside, our church mission is to make Jesus known. As I've been writing, I'm trying to figure out how. I know that I love Jesus, and I know that many of my friends love Jesus, and it is really easy to talk about it with pretty much all of them. It's easy.

But what about at work, and on the street, and during riots, and every moment. How do I tell my co-workers that God made them, loves them, and wants to restore them to Him? Because needing restoration also means that one is currently broken. How do I tell my friends that they need to flee from the life they live, and that there is so much more to life than what they are doing?

Today I don't feel at a loss of how good God is, but I feel broken for the fact that God isn't known. That on a beautiful summer night, a city got ransacked, people got hurt, and then the sun rose again today.

As I watched the news last night, lay awake, and today have reflected, I keep being drawn back to Moses. I wrote that statement and went in search in my Bible for the story when Moses asks God to save the people. I still think that is important, and I think it is amazing the amount of power God has given our prayers, but as I was searching, every verse I read brought conviction to my heart.

My role is not now nor ever to bring judgement to the world. If that was my role, then I would either be God, or there would be a book in the old testament bearing my name. Since that is not the case, I need more of Jesus to figure out how to love everyone, forgive everyone, and love God even more than all of that.

K cool.

Smile Laugh & Chat

2011-06-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know that I love the 'ol reminisce. I love to look back at yesterday because it typically helps me move forward towards tomorrow. Every once in a while I go back in my blog, especially from my Mercy Ship times, or go back in my song journals, and see where I've been at this time of year.

I'm pretty consistent when it comes to how my Mays and Junes looks. Lots of songs, often due to lots of sun. This year has been a rarity of years with so much rain, so I haven't had as many fun and fresh songs. I've written more ballad-esk types - as ballady as one can be on an acoustic guitar. My favourite as of late is called "It wasn't but I must".

As much as the months coming up to now have been 'interesting', I have been in LOVE with the last few weeks. I've made a few new friends, as I apparently often do, and have been laughing more, dancing more, and all in all, having a better time than I have in a while.

To blame might be the Canucks. I will never claim to be the largest fan (because my sister would be mad and tell me I am a liar) but I don't say I'm quite bandwagon. I watch when I watch, I cheer when I watch, and I always claim Vancouver as my team, regardless of the time of year or place. This year I've turned into a fan more than ever. It was the Olympics of last year that made it happen. I started watching hockey in groups, paid a bit more attention, and eventually caught the flame, and now watch the game!

I've been heading out for more of the games which is fun as well. I watched at friends, at Whet, and most recently at Shenanigans and Chaise. Let me say, Shenanigans is my new favourite ghetto place to hang out.

Story: Once upon a time, Brie and I decided to watch the game together. It was Saturday. We planned to meet at Original Joe's. We met there, an hour and a half before the game, but it was full! So we decided just walk until we found one. We crossed over Cambie downtown and kept walking past full pubs and restaurants. We walked through downtown for a long time. Eventually when all hope seemed gone, we discovered Shenanigans. Shenanigans is just past Bute on Robson and comes highly recommended if you'd like a cheap beer, "cool" lighting, and the funniest bouncer in the city. I made good friends with Keith (the bouncer) that night - not sure why, it just happened. So Brie and I go in to the already packed place, glance around, and then walk out to grab food at a cafe, then head back for the game. It was standing room only so we stood right by the projector that wasn't really all that clear, and laughed and cheered. Eventually our friends Luke and Christy joined us. It was a GREAT game to watch and I credit myself for the win. The three times I looked away from the screen - we scored. Bam! Apparently I should have watched less this past Monday.

After the game, we rushed over to Granville, and I probably high fived more than I ever have before! Anyone who was on their phone I would walk up to them and ask them why they were on their phone when they could be cheering and high-fiving! Yeah! Needless to say - lots of high fives. We then walked over the Granville Bridge and stood in the middle for a long time talking about boat trips plus more. We walked over to Kits to Rowan's, hung out for a while, then all headed home. My night ended with a lovely chat with the bus driver. When I told a friend about that she said, "that's SO you - talking to a bus driver for the whole ride home"! I don't know why more people don't do that. I make friends pretty much everywhere I go, and it's so easy. Smile, laugh, and chat!

I've been living that up a lot lately. Smile, laugh, and chat! I did the strengths finder test a little while ago, and my tops were 'potitivity, developer, connectedness, strategic, and empathy'. Since then I've been working on making the most of those things. Coming out of a long season of feeling like I'm in a bit of a tunnel, I'm working on living up my positivity. The most useful thing I read was that being positive doesn't mean that you thrive being in a dark place and bringing light - it means that you love being around others who feel the same because you all want the same things. I like that. Developing is also something. When I see something, or meet someone, or do anything, almost all I can think of is how much potential there is. I connect to people quite often instantly because I want to. I dislike when I don't connect with people, and for the rare occasion when that happens, I often wonder about it. There are a few people in my life who I always get a feeling of dislike from, and it always makes me wonder what I could do to fix that. But I guess some people aren't meant to be friends. I shouldn't talk about how strategic I am, because then I might give away secrets like how I win so many contests! And empathy, dang that empathy. I love it!

At church a couple weeks ago, a deacon came up to me and said, "Nadine, every time I see you - you're either hugging someone or praying for them". I feel as though I got a Jesus high-five in that moment. I feel such a call to love people, and especially to be intentional about praying for people in their need.

This post is lacking in flow - too bad.

Then the other night was also great. Brie met me at work and we booted over to Chaise to watch the game, then after headed to Nayala for a bit, then to a friends for a bit. It was a night of sad hockey, but much laughter amidst new friends. Gooood.

Tonight - we gotta win it! I'm working the later shifts right now so I always miss at least the first period, but if we go past playing Friday, then I'll get to see a whole game again. Yay!

In other news, I'm going back to school in fall. It's a bit crazy, and has a long story attached to it, but the short of it is that a year ago God told me pretty specifically a career path that I should pursue, and I pretty much said, "that sounds cool" and then moved on. Largely due to a fear of school, but I'm deciding to be bold and trust that God's plan can include things that I don't necessarily enjoy. I'm also praying that I will enjoy school. School has never been hard for me, but has never been a joy. I've pretty much blocked out the first 17 years of my life, bar grade 3 and younger (because primary is ballin').

All that to say - I'm going to Langara in Fall, I'm trusting God to go before me in every step, and it's going to be good.

Final story of the day is just a suggestion. Smile, laugh, and chat! I promise you won't regret it, and you might just end up having more fun than you usually do.

Bigger Steps

2011-06-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Praise the LORD, my soul;

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
   The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
   his deeds to the people of Israel:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
   as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.
The life of mortals is like grass,
   they flourish like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.

Psalm 103: 1-16

Small Steps

2011-05-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

Today I sat in church and experienced it in a way that God has never given me glimpse of before.

As the pastor went up to speak, he started by praying a prayer where he asked that God would really be dwelling in the room, that the Spirit would be evident and present, and that there would be no distractions.

This is not a new prayer. It's important, and should happen daily in everything I do, but today it changed something in me.

For that moment, and for the rest of the sermon, I could feel a fuzz beside me, as if it was on the edge of the room at the doors, as if it was on the edge of my thought process. But this fuzz could not get in. This fuzz was not from God, but God's voice reminded me to set my eyes and ears forward and to hear the truth. The fuzz was audible, and I could feel it in me throughout the whole service, but God's grace was far bigger, because God had dimmed the fuzz. If God hadn't, I would have been so busy in myself; far too busy to notice what God needed to say.

The sermon is one that I a'm still processing a lot. One main premise I got out of it is that I need to reevaluate how I live out missions in my day. This has been an emotional struggle for me throughout the past weeks in a new job. I even sit currently in fear writing this knowing that maybe a colleague will read. How do I share this love, this passion, this One Way truth to those I work with? I sat pondering this today a lot, as I have each day at work for the past weeks. What can I do to win people for the gospel? How do I prove that my faith is not one that puts up billboards that proclaim end times? How do I show that my God is good, that He is Creator, that He sent His Son Jesus, who lived, died, and overcame death so that I don't have to fear death nor experience it? This God who also has given me His Spirit to be apart of my every moment. How do I do that? I can't say I walked away with an answer, but I do feel encouraged that this is a good struggle to be having.

He talked about a whole lot of other things. It's worthy of a listen if you have time. It's might not be easy to listen to, but it is truth.

The sermon had a few irregular moments. Some people spoke out, some people sat with their arms crossed more than normal.

As we went into a time of response as we always do, I felt suddenly in me a warmth, which I know was the Holy Spirit of God entering me. I stood and worshiped the King of Kings and could feel as though God was in me in a new way. I've never felt the Spirit fill me before. It was probably the most magical amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I had a joy uncontainable, a peace that I couldn't fathom, and all I wanted to do was praise God and get others to sing with true passion.

Worship through music is a passion that goes into my soul. I love music. I love the sounds, I love the melodies, the words, everything. I love harmonizing, I love leading, I love everything that goes on when people get together and make good music to God. I always love being in a worship setting.

But I don't always feel it inside me. I always sing loud, or listen silently. Sometimes I get moments where I feel God in me, but never for long. I often have to fight to be genuine. I struggle with I look around a room at people who claim to know God and yet I have never heard speak a passionate word about God. These same people often love to talk about other things with passion. This isn't a judgmental statement, simply something I notice and am choosing to comment on.

Authentic Christianity has been a struggle my entire life. I spent years speaking with anyone who would listen about the fact that I didn't know how to know God in my heart. I'm such a feeling person, that anytime I don't grasp something, or feel as though I understand, I struggle. This was the same growing up. God was one who I knew, but in a knowledge by brain. I have vivid memories of sitting in class, in church, at youth group, at camp, in amidst moments when I should have been learning God, and yet all I could fathom was the fact that I couldn't feel Him. One of my most vivid memories of all of high school was in a grade 12 Bible class when I asked what it meant to fear God. The entire class, including the teacher scoffed and moved on to a new subject. I still am overwhelmed at that memory.

This isn't something I have simply overcame. It's still a struggle. I'm not a hidden person. Heck, I'm writing this into a page that will forever be read by people I don't know. People who know me know me. I don't keep many secrets, and it's true when I say that I love everyone I like. Passion is easy for me. Love is easy for me.

God has been working away, with a hammer it feels sometimes, chipping away my heart of stone.

Today felt like a breakthrough.

As I stood worshiping, I could feel the Spirit fill me, into my bones, into my blood, into every fiber of my being. I went up to get communion, and instead of dwelling on the thoughts I lately have been stuck amidst, I let go and just worshiped God, dipping the bread into the wine and tasting God. It was amazing.

I prayed for a friend who has a brother who doesn't believe. God will save him. I have to trust that fact for her brother, or else I won't be able to trust it for those close to me who don't know God.

How do I move forward? I'm still working on it, but all I know is that God is good all of the time, and all I want to do is forever praise Him!

As I found that song that is linked above on youtube, my eyes have again filled with tears, because He is Holy God, He is Holy! Jesus Christ is the Lord! Be encouraged.

Psalm 43

2011-05-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while men say to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

These things I remember

as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go with the multitude,

leading the processing to the house of God,

with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you.

Deep cries out to deep

in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

have swept over me.

I say to God my Rock,

"Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go on mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

In the morning,

O Lord,

hear my voice.

In the morning I lay my needs in front of you,

and I wait.

Last week, I was walking home, and it was raining. I hate rain. I hate being in rain. I was walking and I felt God tell me to stop and rest. I told Him that He was being a bit ridiculous because it was raining. I kept walking and He slowed me. He slowed me, stopped me under a tree, and reminded me that He is God.

I stood still in that moment, and had a moment of peace,

because He is God.

When I go from a long season of feeling that life is grand, to a season of turmoil, brokenness, and deep sorrow,

to a season of seeing hope for about half a minute,

to a season of realizing that my dreams needs to be realigned with God,

to entering a new season of learning how to walk again

God sometimes has to still me

God sometimes has to remind me that He is God

and that He Will Be Exalted

amongst the earth,

amongst the nations,

in me.

Speaking Softly in a Shout

2011-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

If you care to, feel free to pray for me. I'm not lacking in faith in any way, but recent circumstances have broken me a bit.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in every situation,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

-- Philippians 4:6-7 --

Con-Cencus

2011-05-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

This whole census thing has gotten me really thinking back to the famous census that helps form the beautiful birth story of Jesus. A humble beginning for a king worthy of all love who ended it all on a cross all because of love.

[Luke 2: 1-3]
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

I was sitting here, on my computer, slightly bothered by the moments it took to go online, fill in the information, and then go on with my day.

If the PM of Canada issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire country of Canada, then that is fine. But if everyone had to go to their own town to register ... well ... I'd be in Mission.

When I think of how interesting (crazy) people get over sports teams, over elections, over weddings, and about the weather, I can't help but think that maybe we'd be frustrated. I wonder if Joseph and Mary were bothered. I think that Mary was an incredible lady, with the actual Christ inside her belly. Yet I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says that she didn't question, and where she didn't cry and fret and worry. (Sometimes I wonder if when Jesus was considering the lilies and sparrows if he was looking her in the eye right then) Did Joseph curse the ground as they travelled. Did he worry about this baby that was the son of the Most High? Did he get angry when every inn was full? Did he fall to his knees wondering if maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't work out? That maybe he and Mary were in far over their heads?

I wonder different things all the time. Amidst a year of serious transitions, I have spent many a night crying with a pain throughout my entire being, questioning and wondering WHY? (Initially as I wrote this, I wrote out a list of many questions I ask. I deleted them because God's answers are the points)

I get varied answers. Often the Lord reminds me of and points me to Job. My Mom reminds me that the devil seeks to devour. I hear gentle whispers from God that I am His. I ask God everyday to give me His ears to hear. I pray whenever I need to that God will show me reason for all that He is doing. He usually reminds me that this past year has been stretching, and that He isn't done with me quite yet.

I'm currently in a learning period. God has, in the past two months especially (since I was displaced from my job) seemed to pull on my everything and hasn't quite yet stopped pulling. His arms yet have stayed wrapped around me in a giant hug. He has not let me down nor will He. He is God, the maker of time, and worthy of mine.

Often when I write on this blog, I get a couple texts from friends. I always appreciate them, but often they are filled with concern. Concern is never the emotion I want to evoke from a friend or other. I want others to know that God is in control always, never far from those who call on His name, and always always always always always, the voice that the sheep follow. I choose God. Whom then shall I fear?

Listen.

Sunny Spring Days

2011-03-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Sunny Spring Days are just perfect for singing praise to God!

Today, I woke up and drove to West Vancouver. I spent the drive singing praise to Jesus and just dwelling in His love for me. Kari Jobe is on repeat in my car right now. I figure that since I have days when it feels as though the whole world is tumbling down, I should be filling my mind with truth rather than the words that so often distract me. I should probably do that always, but I'll just start with now and then work my way into long-term!

As I drove into wv, I couldn't help but feel as though I was in a different land. I really haven't spent a lot of time there, but it felt like a tourist destination. I told God that He is allowed to send me there. Sometimes I'm sure that I just make God chuckle. Good one Nadine. I drove over to Crema, a place owned by a couple from my church. I met the owner at my church ladies retreat in the fall and just felt as though she is a very wise woman. We spent the morning chatting about life and encouraging one another in the Lord. I've taken to calling God the Lord lately. I think it sounds nicer. I so often pray different prayers depending on if my prayer is directed at God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. I think I need to reevaluate that a bit and just focus my prayers to just be to the Lord.

The Lord is overwhelming me these days. The amount of rest that I am finding in Him alone is more than I thought was possible for myself, and I think more than I thought was possible through Him.

This past week was another rough one in my work life. I had a not-so-fun encounter with someone I work with where I was called some harsh words and told that I was in the wrong for some things. It was hard to take largely due to the fact that most of what was said to me was untrue, and even harder due to the fact that I am leaving the position so soon, and any reconciliation seems not quite possible. Must be another thing to lay down at the foot of the cross. Kind of like everything!

I've been dwelling over a certain passage lately. I kind of like the idea of dwelling over Scripture. Dwelling over much else usually isn't beneficial.

Romans 8

Life in the Spirit

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Heirs with Christ

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Future Glory

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

God's Everlasting Love

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Catching Up

2011-03-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Happy Valentines Day! Happy Birthday! Happy life is changing again era!

I've been sitting here trying to write down all that I want to write on here, but I feel as though I just don't have it in me. I'm currently trying to fight the flu, deal with a job transiton, and am seeking to praise God throughout it.

My prayer is for peace, for wisdom, and for the ability to glorify God in each and every moment, never faltering from being His witness to the world.

I could write about everything, but life is a bit rough, so instead I'll just ask for graciousness in the fact that I rarely blog, and a promise to maybe write again another time.

Portions of Philippians 4 are a constant reminder of all that I have and need in Christ.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

... Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

The only constant in my life, and yours, in Christ. To live under any other impression is not even wishful thinking, it's sinful thinking. Christ is all that is necessary. No, not just Christ. God as Christ, and God the Father, and God the Spirit.

My church is going through the book of Acts currently. We're getting into chapter 10 this week, and started the series in September, so to say that I have a better understanding of Acts that I have ever had before is truth. I never knew that I could learn so much. I am grateful to be in a church where I am filled with wisdom weekly, brought to my knees daily, and constantly being encouraged in Christ Jesus.

Last week, Pastor Norm talked about how we often read through these vereses in Philippians and see that "I can" do all things and stop there. The focus on that verse should never be on our abilities, but should be on our lack there of. All that I do, is only, and will always be through God who strengthens.

Be blessed.

The night I gave God a high five

2010-12-28T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day and a night to blog apparently!

As I wrote a Christymas (pun intended) for Christy, and later discussed with her when she came over tonight, I pondered a verse that has been "given" to me and anyone who is ever "given" a verse numerous times. Today it struck a new chord and I pondered with amazement the past year.

For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.
Declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11

As I read it, I just felt like giving God a high five (and I just did right now) for all that He has done.

Almost exactly a year ago, Christy and I got together. We had been friends for a few years, but hadn't really connected in a while. I had driven to her to get hair cuts a few times, but other than that, it was far and few between. I went over to her house with a movie and hair dye. We watched a movie, drank wine, she dyed my hair, and we chatted about life.

At that point, my intention to move to Vancouver was more or less an idea that I didn't think would happen. I was living a life that I didn't love and the God I thought I was living for didn't seem all that close because I wasn't seeking Him at all. We chatted about life and joked about me moving to Vancouver. We talked about where her life was and where mine was, and everything.

January flew by. Life labs came into my school and interviewed each of us. The interviewer and I hit it off and I was offered a practicum in Sechelt. Very few of my class members were offered practicums and so I started looking into renting a place in Sechelt, and began considering where my life would be taking me. I couldn't see myself wanting to live there, but I was open to the idea. For a couple months I had been trying to convince my practicum facilitator to get me into Children's. She was open to the idea but hadn't had much luck. I wrote a letter to the head of the lab at Children's, and reminded my teacher everyday to contact them.

Right at the beginning of February I received a call from my teacher. She told me that she had good and bad news. The bad news was that I was not going to go to Sechelt. I was saddened by this because I didn't know what that would mean, but was only sad for a moment because she told me that Children's wanted me to come for a practicum there! I was stoked.

My rental search switched to Vancouver. I looked online and went to places and found a few different options, but the one I went with was a beauty of a dive in Shaughnessy that cost far too much. I always laugh when my friends say that they loved my first place. I don't know how that is possible. My sister wouldn't come over because it was so bad! The ceiling were touchable in every area and in my bedroom my head could touch the ceiling (and I'm not tall)! My oven didn't work, my fridge was finicky, my power would turn off often, my shower was decent at best. It was a good learning experience for me. I had to get over my true fear of bugs since about a thousand of them lived with me there. That was due to a front door that wouldn't seal. My landlord could lock the connecting door from her side, so I never knew when she had been in the suite, and I would hear her try to come in and only stop because she heard me. Learning experience. Yep.

I moved into Vancouver on February 13th and started my practicum on the 15th. I lived less than two blocks from the hospital. That was the only bonus of living where I lived. I started at 7am for three weeks. This was perfect. I would wake up at 6:45, put on scrubs, brush my hair and teeth, and walk over to the hospital!

At the end of the three weeks, Elaine (my boss) told me that she wanted to hire me but had no positions at that time. She hoped that I could possibly be hired in a month. She encouraged me to leave my resume with her and to contact her in a month to see if there was a possibility for hiring then. I was bummed by this, but decided to make the most of my move. I had no intention of leaving the city, and I had no intention of not working at Children's. I applied for three jobs and got two. I chose one. I started working at Safeway as a checker. That Friday I received a voicemail from Elaine offering me a job! I quickly called back and accepted. On the phone she asked me if I wanted to think about it for a few days. Nope. I started at Children's the following Monday!

When I moved to Vancouver, I had set some very specific goals in front of me. They were more than goals. They were decisions as to who I would now be. I was moving. I was changing my friend group, my city, my church, and everything. I was going to be a happier person who chose joy, and in that joy, I would find Christ.

I knew about four people in the city. My sister, my brother-in-law, Christy, and another friend. I contacted that friend right away, and she invited me to join her life. Her life includes a lot of drinking and partying. I joined right in. For about two months I heading in her direction. Her friends were (and still are) great people whom I really love and care for. They are some of the most inclusive people I have ever known. They taught me a lot about caring for your friends and making sure that your friends are doing well always.

I moved into Vancouver on a Saturday. The next day I went to westside church. I had been recommended to go. It was one of the worst church experiences I had ever had. I wasn't greeted by a single person, I sat alone, no one talked to me throughout the entire service, my meter ran out part way through so I had to leave early, and I felt sick. Needless to say, I didn't feel welcomed, nor did I want to be there.

The next Sunday I went back to westside. I didn't really want to go, but I felt as though I should. I walked into that day with a new perspective. I decided that if the church wasn't doing church right, then I would. I would be friendly. I would introduce myself to other people. I would live out the church I wanted to experience myself. It worked well for me. I met people, and learnt so much in that sermon. I decided that I would go to westside.

Over the next month or two, as I sorted myself out, I didn't go to church often, but when I did I went to westside. Around April, the church added a second campus. I emailed them and let them know that I wanted to get involved in ministry somehow. They told me that they had needs at the new campus. This campus would be on Granville Island. I said that that would work for me since I didn't yet feel a tie to the church at all.

The first Sunday that westside launched at GI, I felt at home. I knew that this was the church I had been waiting for. I quickly became involved and met people, and at that point, really switched my life around for the better. I gave up some of the friends I had met in Vancouver, and pointed my life back towards God. I repented of where I was at, and made distinct changes.

Immediately life turned to the better. I moved to a new place in May. I had one of the best summers of my life. I shouldn't say one of the best. It topped every summer of my life previously. I had more beach days than a person should have, and began to feel at home in the city! I give ALL credit to God!

Somewhere in there I started a research position with UBC. It was a study around pregnancy and the health of babies based on different environmental factors. I worked for them for a couple of months but I didn't like the job at all. It was solely nights and the job was far above my training. I felt under trained and had a lot expected from me. I quit this job at the end of October.

(I feel as though I am writing my memoirs right now - but seriously - this year could be a life time!)

Near the end of summer, I started a job with City Reach Cares Society. I have written about this job. This job is my dream job. I get to hang out with kids. Pretty much a perfect match for me! I loved this job. In a perfect world where a job like that got paid enough money to survive on, I would work with 5 to 7 year olds all the time. They are my favourite age. Learning so much, and so willing to learn. Barely listening and so so very loud!

November brought HUGE changes to my life. I moved again, in with my friend Megan, to a beauty of an apartment in upper Cambie, changed jobs, and am now here. I feel as though I can't write too much here because everything is still such transition. Though I must say - my roommate is wonderful. Such a blessing! I didn't realize how much I would love having a roommate. I haven't seen her since Friday. Far too long!

I just enjoyed a perfect Christmas with my family. Sometimes it is so nice to relax in a home that isn't yours, eating food not made by yourself, and just laugh with the people who have known you longer than anyone.

As I wrote earlier, I give ALL credit to God for this past year. If I had not made distinct changes, I can't imagine where I would be. I would probably - I can't even write the ideas I have. I am so thankful that God caught a hold of my heart and brought me to this city. The church I am going to is the most incredible place that I could be. I have never wanted to go to church as much as I do. Sundays are my favourite week. My second favourite part of my week is early morning prayer on Tuesday. The friends I have made are all through this church. The reason they are my friends is solely because God has transformed me into someone who is worthy of love. I don't want to discredit my friends from before I moved to Vancouver - especially the ones who do love God. I have a friend who prayed for me every day that I wasn't living for God. I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't have had that friend.

Yesterday my best friend Maria and I were talking about the power of prayer. This incredible opportunity we have to literally sway the future. Moses saved lives because he asked God to spare a city if there were only a few believers. He changed God's mind. This is an incredible opportunity that we have. For us to abuse it and not petition God with requests is wrong. We need to be getting on our knees and seeking out God's will and then praying it back to Him. God's answers are not always what we expect but if our desire is God, then our prayers will succeed. God is good.

And then Christy came over! We talked about everything as always. We talked about love languages, about her future with her wonderful boyfriend, about the amazing years we have had, about our GREAT GOD, and so much. It was good.

Yet again I want to write about all that we talked about, but that would take away from the secrets that one must apparently have in our society. I feel like in my perfect world I would get to say everything I think. Not the bad thoughts. Just the ones where I am insightful and inspiring.

The biggest joke (which I largely partook in) over Christmas was my singleness. I told my Mom that the best part of having a sister with five children, and having all of my siblings married, is that there is zero pressure for me. I can live life and have fun not worrying about the future. I love it. I sit on the end of the table because I'm single. I got a different fondue fork because I'm single. Please don't read this as me saying I am sad or desperate. Read this as me being thankful for getting to be a single woman!

God has taught me a lot this year. I am thankful for each and every moment (other than couple that I think I could have avoided and still learnt things). God has been gracious, and His mercy has been new every morning!!!!! I am so thankful that I live inside God's grace and that I never have a need to fret and fear. God's love encompasses all things, and He is faithful to the faithful. My prayer life has increased this year. A friend recently told me that she considers me a woman of prayer. This was such a huge compliment.

One of my goals for the new years is to learn how to live out Provers 31 as a single woman. I feel as though the woman described there didn't get married and then become all of those things. She had to be those things before just in different ways. The proverb talks about her being hard to find - this means that before she was married, she hadn't been found yet. That makes life so exciting - this idea of being found by a Goly man. I want to learn how I can be a Christ like woman. Especially in a city filled with a lot of people walking in different directions. I want to walk towards God living like Christ!

Merry belated Christmas!
Happy New Year!

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Thanks

2010-11-25T00:08:00.001-08:00

Today I wrote a blog post quite similar to the one before. Lots of confusion and lots of me needing a lot more of God in my life. Needing more God is good, but writing a blog to complain about my life - maybe not so much.

So in honour of American Thanksgiving, and in opposition to my now deleted post - I thought I would write about a few things I am especially thankful for right this minute.

My Mom. I don't feel as though I can ever adequately describe how amazing my Mom is. If there was a word, I would use, it probably would rhyme with 'rest' and start with a b, or rhyme with 'setter than your Mom' and still start with a b. Anyways, she is wonderful. No surprise there, seeing as her wonderfulness is how I won her the trip to San Diego. Let me give an example of how amazing she is: Bring Bring .... Nadine sees that her Mom has called and left a voice mail. Nadine checks voice mail. On voice mail, Mom says, "Hi Nadine, just thought I would let you know that there is a bunny in the backyard." If that doesn't make her amazing, then I really don't know what does.
My roommate Megan. I love having a roommate. It is far more fun than I expected, and there are just bundles of joy happening every two seconds.
Pop music. There, I said it. Not like I really hide my absolute love for it. Pop music makes my world spin just a little bit than other peoples. I do declare.
Holiday music. Enough said.
Writing songs. Today I wrote a song that has nothing to do with myself or anyone I know but it just came to me. It's a delicious pop song. I've always wanted to write a pop song. So far I've only actually done the words, but it's been a while since I wrote something good so I'm really thankful for it.
A home. I have been extra thankful for my home in this cold weather. I can't imagine living a life where I hadn't been blessed as I have been.
Funny situations. So tonight, Megan and I went to Ikea. We were walking and there were two guys ahead of us. This song (I can't remember which, but I know it was a lovely holiday tune) came on and I just felt the urge to snap. I started to snap, and just as I did, one of the guys started to as well. We caught eyes and gave each other the nod. This enough is a pretty dec story. But then Megs and I danced to the song. That was fun. Still - dec story. The story topped wonderful when we stopped to pick up some wine and as we were walking back to the car ... who did we see walking in - yep - our dear sweet stranger boys.
The electric mail opener at work. I open hundreds (and that is no exaggeration) of letter at work and I have to stamp each one. My day would be awful if it weren't for a beautiful invention that opens my mail for me. I also love the mail stamper. That one is fun too. It's especially fun because only three of us (in the office of over a hundred) know the code so it's like I am the master of the machine since I am the only one people ask to stamp mail.
Sleep. It didn't come for the hour I lied in bed earlier this evening, but as I finish this post up and hit save, I'm going to walk over, climb in, and pray that I fall asleep quick.
Jesus. The world wouldn't spin without Him.

Yesterday I covered a Christmas song. It's on my YouTube. You should check it out.

A midnight post

2010-11-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

It is almost midnight as I start to write tonight. I should be sleeping, but I ca not seem to get my thoughts to rest tonight. I lied in bed for an hour until deciding that since sleep wouldn't come, I should update myself in other peoples lives via facebook, and ended up on a friends blog, and then decided to write something poetic.

Poetic. Pathetic really. I haven't written anything good poetically speaking in a while. I wrote my sister a plea text asking for prayer tonight. For sleep and rest, for health and lack of stress. She replied quickly with a reminder of God's goodness. I love God. I love my sister. Both of them are great. I lied in bed and tried to think of all the good tributes of God. I did not have to think long because the list is truly endless, however I felt as though my list of bad tributes of myself seemed to grow even longer.

I've been having a bit of a tough week. I feel closer to God than I ever have before, and my friends lately have commented on my genuine love for Him and how it reflects out in my actions. I am so truly truly encouraged by that. Today I chatted with God about how all I want to do is live for Him. It is my prayer. Yet it seems so difficult sometimes. I feel as though my heart is hurting more than normal. I am happier than I have ever been, and I feel provided for in more ways than I can describe, yet I feel close to tears every day.

Last night at small group we split up into groups of two to pray. My friend Marissa and I went into the pantry and sat on the floor, shared our hearts, and prayed together. That was encouraging. She has been such an encouragement in the last weeks. Actually I have felt super supported in the last weeks. I have received numerous and texts and messages from friends letting me know they are praying for me in my times of transition. Our small group laughed as we open the pantry door and walked into the kitchen. I also serenaded the group with some Beiber. One person told me he was impressed I knew all the words (including the rap). Another person left the room. I feel as though I accomplished something good in that. Ha.

I feel as though I should explain the transition, for the sole person who might have just stumbled across this post. About a month or two ago, I started considering making some changes. I was working three jobs, and not really finding a lot of job in two of the jobs. The job I loved the most paid the least. My rent was too high, bills too high, my car got broken into, and everything just kept piling up in piles that were a bit too big for me to figure out.

So I started praying and seeking out new options. Several postings came up in the hospital for full-time lab jobs (I was working as a casual) so I applied. I also applied for every single job that I could on the internal job site. I sent off my resume to a lot of places and then just went on working the jobs, and trying to figure things out.

Spring forward a few weeks, and I was really considering moving. I looked at my bank account, and rent just didn't really seem possible. I tried to convince a friend that she should move out of her place and into a new one with me, but it wasn't truly an option for her. Another new friend, Megan, overheard and mentioned she was thinking about moving. I asked her to be my roommate and she accepted (it's actually a really funny random story), the next night we went out for dinner to get to know each other more, four days later we found our suite, and the following week I gave my notice and we signed our new lease.

Getting out of my current least was both an ease and hassle. Every day is switched from one to another. Now it seems to have gotten back to the ease section, so I am resting in that peace.

Yesterday we got our keys, and this weekend we both move in.

Job wise, I received a call for an interview with the finance department of PHSA. I went in for the interview, which was over an hour long, and two weeks later was offered the job. I started the job last week. I have had a lot of people question the validity in me making the move to this new job. I understand the questions, and part of me wonders why, yet I feel peace about it in random moments. It is full-time, has benefits, and there is very little drama. It is amazing to work somewhere where people simply do their job.

All of that being said, it means there has been transition. Transition is a good thing because it means moving on. Moving on is always positive when you want it to be.

I am so very thankful. I have friends who care for me, and who make sure that I am alright. I am so very encouraged by them. I have a church which I am becoming a member. I met with the worship deacon this week, and there is some cool possibilities in music for me, which I am so excited about. I know I have shared this, but not being on a worship team has probably been the hardest aspect of living in Vancouver for me. I gained so much by moving here, but a little bit of my musical heart has been broken for a while. To get to sing and play in the future is a beautiful thing.

My family is around right now. It is such a treat to get to see all of my siblings in one day, and to give hugs and kisses and tickles to my nieces and nephew. Everyone is coming to my church on Sunday. I am excited to get to share such a huge aspect of my life with them. Westside is a huge part of my home now. I feel at home when I go to church on Sunday mornings, and I feel encouraged and disciplined every single week through the words spoken there.

So now it is after midnight. I still feel very awake and not tired at all, but I shall go make another attempt at sleep. I would rather not have to call in sick again tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish I could write all of my thoughts down. I pray for a day when I get to share a few more with a few more people.

I've been praying for a lot of provision lately. God is faithful.

Amidst the Autumn

2010-10-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

October! Wow. This feels like the fastest year of my life! I vividly remember this year and I feel as though I have done so very much in that time, and yet I feel as though no time as flow by. Yet - so much time has! September seemed to fly by like a blur. A beautiful blur of sunshine, rain, wind, and work!

I feel as though I can not even begin to describe the many many ways that God has been working in my heart over the past while, specifically the last two weeks. To explain all would blow your mind because it is blowing my mind! I am so awestruck by His grace and by how endless His love is for me amidst my lack of knowledge and my often unwilling heart. I am trying to learn obedience. I've been convicted so many times over the past weeks. It's a beautiful conviction though. In the past I have seen conviction more like condemnation and as an awful thing, but I am learning to see it as a wonderful process in which God is showing me how to be more like Him and how to love others more and forgive more and serve more and so many things.

I went on a women's retreat with Westside two weekends ago. Prior to the weekend we were encouraged to read John Piper's 'A Sweet & Bitter Providence'. It is based on the book of Ruth. I would highly recommend it as a read in your life. There is a free online version so it won't even cost you a penny unless you decide to print it! (As a side note - when I put on the link for the book, I noticed that there are a TON of free online books on their website)

As I went into the book and as I reread through the book of Ruth I could not believe how much there was for me to see. I read the book of Ruth as a child, and have read it throughout my life several times, but basically the only thing I ever saw in it was 'Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God'. I saw it as a cool girl who loved her family and I saw that I should do the same. That someday, Lord willing, if I get married, that my husbands people will be mine and his God will be mine. However I had never read it and seen so much scandal and sorrow and sexual purity and a sick amount of other things. Definitely recommend it as a book.

We had four speakers at the retreat. Each spoke on a chapter in Ruth along with a chapter in Piper's book. It was great to hear their opinions and thoughts on his opinions and thoughts and just reflections into new ideas. I love seeing the Bible come alive and seeing it relevant in my life because I know that it is. Like every speaker who speaks with and at Westside everything relates to Jesus. I am loving studying scripture with these eyes that I am gaining. Learning to view everything with a gospel vision is a beautiful way to study because suddenly every single moment in the Bible and every single moment in your life makes sense. It's so hard to explain and I really do not feel as though I can. One of the speakers, as did Piper, spoke of strategic righteousness. Definitely a new idea for me to think on and one I want to explore. Today in church (not westside - Crossway Community Church in Langley) they talked about prayer and strategic prayer. I want to learn to have strategic faith. Not strategic as in fake, but strategic in that I plan every moment of every moment to glorify God. In my study, in my prayer, in my relationships, in my work, in my play, in my every interaction. It's an interesting thing for me to consider.

This is a portion that I wrote down from the talk:
What does it mean to let God be our refuge? Ruth was a barren widow, but followed Naomi, her bitter mother-in-law, and stayed strong in a faith that she had not been taught for long. She chose God rather than her family. She chose to move to a foreign place with no potential hope.
God wants to be our refuge. He has a plan. He sees all and promised to reveal his truth to those who seek it. When God is our dwelling place, we receive new eyes and vision towards what is good.
God wants to be my sole refuge. Not a partial or half-time thing. He wants to trump all things because he does trump all things.
God gives us peace because He Is Peace.
God gives up hope because He Is Hope.
God asks and requires my whole heart. He is solely great, solely for His glory, and also - is for me.

I have really been seeking lately to learn about the Spirit. During small group a few weeks ago, we were talking about the Spirit, and almost everyone at the table said that we all feel as though we know so little. I think partially it has to do with being MB raised. Spirit filled moments are encouraged but not typically talked about. I hate to slam the church because I do not feel as though that should be any ones calling except God's but I feel as though my faith has been cheated. I want to know the part of God that is His Spirit. I described in our small group that I often feel as though the Spirit is kind of like the 3rd wheel of the Trinity. It is always there and is a part of the Trinity but it is mostly in a way, and not particularly wanted. I'm learning how, and I want to learn more of how God the Father, God the Son in Jesus, and God the Spirit which is pure Holy all work together. Perfectly complimenting each other, perfectly synchronized, perfectly unique, and perfectly the same. Beautiful!

I bought a book called 'Forgotten God' by Francis Chan. I haven't started it yet, but the premise is that the church has often not given enough thought and talk to the Spirit. I am excited to see what I will learn and I really just want to learn how to live and pray in the Spirit as we are called to do in Ephesians 6 and elsewhere! Chan also wrote a book called 'Crazy Love' that I enjoyed.t

I also bought a book called 'Don't Waste Your Life' by Piper. He seems to have written a lot of books. I chose this one for two reasons. It is small, similar in size to 'Sweet' and I like short Christian books (200 pages or less - more than that and I often feel as though the author is talking about too many topics and not really teaching about the one they seemingly wrote the book about. I think this is why I love reading through the epistles in the Bible. They are short and lovely and teach a sick amount in a short time whilst being very specific to the task). I also am interested in the topic. Flipping through the book, it overwhelms me a bit because it has writing in different sizes and footnotes and numbers in the pages and that kind of stuff turns me off of books, but yet I feel as though this will be good. I feel as though it is a book I heard a bunch about a few years back but didn't feel like I wanted to read it then. Probably because I didn't really want to not waste my life at that point. I was content not loving Jesus. Now, I am content only if I am loving and living Jesus in every moment!

Another super convicting (the good type!) moment which occurred over the retreat (and is something that God has slowly been reminding me over the past 8 months or so), is that studying the Bible is something I must do. Whenever I open my Bible lately, I am learning incredible things that I have never seen before. So why am I not doing this daily. There were several key phrases the speaker said which moved me. Do I shudder at the thought of life without the Bible? My friend and I talked about this fact - if suddenly the world changed and every Bible as gone, and online versions were gone, and everything else in life was the same - would I be horrified? Would my world be completely shaken if I did not stand on the rock? Studying the Bible should be something that we steal away from our lives to do. Do I ever do that? Do I ever go, wow, I have so much to do, I'm going to fit in the Bible? No. I don't. Not very often at least. Yet when I do my heart is moved and I learn and am changed. If we are asking God for wisdom, as we should be asking, where are we expecting to find wisdom? I found this particularly challenging for me because wisdom is something I have been seeking of God for months. My prayers, when they get away from being simply requests thrown at God, are typically asking God to fill me with love, joy, peace, wisdom, and discernment. I know that without those things, I am useless for His purpose. But where do I expect to learn those things?

I remember, I think in high school, we had a speaker (or it easily could have been in a book that I have read - who knows) talk about asking God for things. That we should not simply ask God for patience, but that we should ask God for opportunity to have patience because how will we gain patience without needing to be patient. I feel as though that teaching, that I learnt back then, was such a relevant teaching in order for me to understand now.

I am getting more and more convinced that God is orchestrating my life. I look back on things I was taught in school as a child, as a teen, in Africa, at Bible College, and even in the times in which I was not seeking God, and up until what I have been learning over the past months, and I see so many things that align. Things that I would not know now without teachings I learnt before, and things that are making more sense now because of what I learnt or didn't learn. It's incredible how God really does work all things together for His glory.

I end the blog with passages from Job 5, where I feel my eyes and heart keep being drawn to,

But if it were I, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.

One more cheeky diddy

2010-09-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

... in remembrance of a brilliant summer.

Without you I'm nothing baby,

And without me you're something, maybe

Not at all

You and I were meant in love to fall

Remembering The Times

2010-09-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I enjoyed a lovely perfect day with my best friend Maria. We hadn't seen each other since mid-summer so it was just a great catch up. She ended up at Westside so we started to hang out straight from there. We ate egg-salad-sandwiches (which quite possibly are my favourite), caught up on each others lives, went to our favourite store Changes, played piano and worshiped our Saviour, made a yummy dinner, drank tea, celebrated one of her housemates birthday by playing games, and just all-in-all had a lovely time. It was such a blessing of a day. This past week was a tough week for me. It was filled with a lot of work, a lot of goodness, and a lot more of relying on Jesus. It was one of those weeks that I completed. I got to the end and could say - yep I'm done. Done just in time to start the next week.

During our chat yesterday, Maria mentioned that she hadn't read up on here in a while. I told her that there wasn't anything to read yet because I hadn't posted since before San Diego. My life has gotten intensely busy. Most of it has been perfect days with great people making lovely memories, but all in all it has been packed. Blogging has turned into something that I'm nervous of. I've sat down numerous times to write about San Diego and the time since, but each time I get overwhelmed by what to write on. There has been so much. I have had such a beautiful summer. I could not imagine it having gone any better (other than a few ways of course:) ) and I am so truly thankful for all that I have been learning through church and conversations and work and play and everything.

When I moved to Vancouver, I knew I had lots to change about myself. I knew it because I was not a fan of almost anything in my life. Vancouver was my choice of happiness. And things have changed. Drastically. When I see candid pictures of myself in groups of people, I don't always have my arms crossed with a frown on my face. I look genuinely happy now because I am happy.

This summer has been so hard. Change doesn't come with peace amidst every single second. There is an underlying peace and joy that I rely on in Christ, but there are moments where my own thoughts overpower those of God.

You would think that choosing joy would be like choosing rainbow sorbet over vanilla ice cream. Super simple since the sorbet is obviously better (switch analogy if you hate sorbet - which btw means we're no longer friends jk). But then you get tricked by the vanilla because it suggests adding a banana and some chocolate sauce and sprinkles and all of a sudden you're so caught up in frustration and anger and hurt and resentment and all sorts of awful emotions that the rainbow sorbet doesn't seem possible to swallow. And then all of a sudden you get handed the sorbet and you realize that joy definitely was the better option all along.

Anyways, back to the past while. It is just this overwhelming though to write down each days events because there have been a lot of days. Over 30. 30 days where probably three were spent on my own. Therefore I'm choosing not to write all about the past thirty days. I'll talk about a few, and highlight a few other, but the rest will remain as they should as memories.

San Diego. Wow. So very much to write about that time. But I don't want to. If you're a fb friend you can peruse that photo album on there, and if you aren't a fb friend then you should add me! Several highlights of San Diego were Sea World, Seaport Village, seeing my Mercy Ships friend Joanna, and the best moment occurred at Sea World when we got to pet a penguin. This was so very cool. Some great pictures of that moment are on fb. It was such a treat to have a girls week. The trip consisted of my Mom, and my sisters Lynette and Kirsten, as well as Naomi, who is Lynette's youngest. We had such a great time. Truly restful and yet packed!

Since then - wow. I have been working like a crazy person. This last week as 6 days, and then I work for at least the next 7. I'm splitting my time between the hospital and City Reach. Working at CR has been this great blessing because I'm in a job where I can be with kids and I'm not their least favourite person in the world. (as opposed to the hospital where I am, with little competition, the kids least favourite person!)

Highlights over the past month have included:

-frisbee golf with new friends. This group is intense. I love it!

-a Tuesday started with early morning prayer, breakfast with April, coffee with Jesus, store browsing, sushi with a good book, dinner with friends. Lovely.

-lots of dinners with friends. I'm trying to invite people over as often as I possibly can. If you want a good meal, you're invited!

-the kickoff for Westside. Such a great fantastic day!

-I went to a great back-to-school party with a group of friends that I'm just getting to know. So fun.

-I've been working night shifts. It's definitely a different experience but is not as awful as I expected them to be.

-the MCC sale. Enough said.

-I discovered Pitcairn Islands. I will go there someday. Ask me almost anything about that place. I might know the answer.

-Oh yeah and I came home from San Diego for a flood in my home. The boiler had decided to die whilst I was gone. It was fixed quick and I don't think anything was actually ruined. Huge blessing amidst a problem!

There have been lots of other fantastic summer adventures.

Suddenly it's turning into Autumn. My songs are turning into slower melodies instead of upbeat diddy's of the sun swept months. I'll post one later on. I love when music gets fun again. My words quieted for a while but they're coming back.

I'll try to keep this up more now. This was better than I expected it to be.

So many words so little internet time

2010-08-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

I think I have like ten more minutes of internet or so ... unless I want to get towed ... EEK!

Life has been grand. Some crazy moments, some fantastic. God has been providing in super cool ways, and just proving his 'god'-liness! So fantastic.

Last time I posted was ages and years ago, so lots to speak of!

So Youth Church was so great! It was such an incredible blessing and joy to lead and get to partake in some Jesus time! Good words spoken by Jon, and as always, God is doing really cool things there!

The next day I had an interview ... more on the outcome later!

I filled my week with lots of hang outs, with Michelle, Julia, a family dinner to celebrate my Dad's 61st birthday! Wow! He's so old now! Just kidding. He's like a 40 year old. I feel as though my parents haven't really aged past like 40. They're so hip! I went to some more improv on Granville which was hilarious as always!!

On Saturday I had a fantastic time with my cousin Jodi! She was in Europe for a year through Inter-Menno and had just got back! We've been close all our years, and are only 20 days apart in age! There is a super cute picture of her on my wall at my little home. Ask to see it, or just look, because you heart will melt at the utter cuteness! We went out for dinner, for drinks, for improv, to a show of types, and just had a blast. It was such loveliness! It meant for a tired next-day, but was fun fun fun!

Sunday was church, which was just like, challenging and fantastic. I love learning to be more like Jesus. It is a great process. Sometimes I feel as though all I do is forget about him, but then other times when I am living in his path, I feel so great! The world is a far better place when you have Jesus in yours! I know that sounds ubber lame, but like, seriously!

Jon, Gab, and my little baba-b-friend Ayden came to church, and then we went out for sushi and some shopping. It was great to catch up!

This past week was a great week! I started my new job! I now am working for a organization called City Reach in their out-of-school-care program. It is great. Exhausting and tiring and fantastic and rewarding, and CRAZY! I have some incredible stories of the hugest tantrums I've ever seen in my entire life. Every time I start getting frustrated when I'm off work, I just picture this one kid Arik's tantrums, and then I laugh and the world seems better.

Emily came back from China this week! I'm so glad she's back! We ate some dinner and chatted and once I get back we'll hang out often just like before! Kirsten and Mac came over for dinner, and the curtains are now up! My place feels more like home every time they come over (because each time things go up on the walls! Haha). Christy and I went to Comedy Mix which was hilarious, and noodle box which was delish!

Tomorrow morning bright and eeearly I'm heading down to San Diego! This is the trip that I won ages ago for my Mom! It's a trip for 4 to San Diego including airfare, hotels, entrance to Sea World, a tour, and I get to swim with dolphins! Eek! I'm stoked! I have always loved dolphins.

(I also feel as though I am thinking in short calm sentences, because that is how I always need to talk to the kids. I use my calmest voice, and speak so clearly. I'm getting good at speaking very very clearly!)

I hope your life is going super well! Mine sure is!

(Oh - I'm still working at the hospital, but I am getting less hours, so this way rent won't be quite so hard to come by!!)

Sunny Skies Seem Splended -er

2010-08-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have had such an incredible weekend so far. This week was in general a lot better than the week before.

Wednesday Kirst and I had our sister date! Lynette even got to be a part of this sister hang-out! When I got to Kirsten's place she was skype-ing with Lynette, so I joined in. It was fun to have a 'face-to-face' chat with her! I'm pretty stoked for San Diego. Two weeks from now!!! EEK!

So Kirsten and I had a super delish dinner, and basically just chilled. I worked on my set for worship team this weekend, she scrap-booked, we watched a movie, I borrowed internet. All was well. It was so nice because it wasn't forced. I'm so thankful that I have siblings that I don't have to pretend to like. I genuinely love them all, and love spending time with them!

Thursday was a crazy crazy crazzzzzy work day. It was super busy, and super exhausting, and kind of an emotionally trying day for me, so it was great to be off! I headed home for a bit, then over to Ariana's for dinner. We had Greek-style burgers and she had made yam fries. Wow. I'm impressed. Everything was delicious and we enjoyed the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance, which I had never really watched but so enjoyed, and then watched a bunch of stand-up on youtube. It was super good.

Friday I just had a short little work day. It was training for my research position, so it was just two hours. I feel a lot better about the job now. After my first training day, I had felt super overwhelmed, and completely under-qualified, but now I feel as though I have such a better understanding of what is expected of me.

After, I randomly called Kirst to see if she was home. She was, so after some errands, I went and borrowed her internet for the afternoon, and into the evening! It was so relaxing. I caught up on stuff, and just watched some of my tv shows that I've been too busy for. We got free Starbucks, grabbed some pizza from Martini's, which I highly recommend, and basically didn't hang out. Haha. But it was the good kind. We both just were doing what we were doing, and randomly chatting when we wanted!

I headed home to change, then went downtown to meet up with Christy and her sister Nicole. They were a bit behind me, so I picked up our movie passes to Eat Pray Love and then grabbed a coffee from Blenz. Mmmmm......such great coffee! As I waited for them to arrive, I started chatting with a man who was reading a travel book. Good conversation. I was almost sad when the girls arrived because I wanted to hear more!

We went over to Scotia Bank Theatre to watch the movie. When we got out, we were walking back to the skytrain, and I looked at my phone and saw that it was after one. I know that the last skytrain is at like 1:13 or something, so we walked a bit faster! I went into my station, and told them to call me if they missed their train because I would just go get my car and then drive them home! Luckily we each made our trains. I made it down to the stop at literally 1:12, so I was extremely thankful to have made the last train. It's funny too because almost everyone getting on that last skytrain is quite intoxicated. So I stood watching this one kid start kind of leering around a bit. He almost fell over at one point. His friend started holding him up pretty well. All of a sudden, everyone started cheering for some guy who had just got our of zapstraps! However, at that same moment as that guy was running down the train, the guy from before threw-up all over the train. When I say all over, I mean like ... wow. Poor kid. Everyone started laughing and shreeking and moving away. It was so funny to watch while being sober. Two stops later, the kid got off the train. His friends called after him to stop him, but he kept going. His friends looked quite confused, so I'm hoping they all made it to their homes eventually! I had some nicely friendly train companions, so I walked a bit faster than normal once I got home! Oh so funny.

This morning I got up and heading over to Heather & 10th to help cheer for the walkers in the Weekend To End Breast Cancer. These walkers are so impressive. They walk 30 km today and 30 more tomorrow. The ladies at the front were about 3 hours ahead of the ones in the back. I was the loudest and best cheerleader. I know this because everyone told me! Haha. So fun. I'm super dark and tanned now though, which is fantastic! (Though my version of super dark is probably not what you picture - it just means I have some colour!)

Once I got home, I started laundry. I've been putting this off for a few weeks, so let's just say it was quite a bit to get done today! I did other house cleaning, random other stuff, made and ate dinner, and then headed here - to my other home.

Good news for me though. I've finally ordered internet! At first I didn't want to get it because it is so expensive, but I'm spending far more than I would have to since I come here to sb all the time. I was shopping around, and was super unimpressed with all the pricing that I saw. I have a savings card because I work in health care with PHSA and was perusing the list of what I can save money on. I saw that Telus offered a deal, so I called them up to hear what it was. The offer on the website which I most likely would have taken was $25 per month for 3 months and then $37 per month from then after. The deal that I ended up getting is $15 a month, no contract. I'm quite excited. Such a huge steal of a deal! I'm so thankful for it! It should be coming in the next week. Yay.

Now I'll finish this off, then head home and figure out how I want the songs to sound for Youth Church tomorrow. I am beyond excited. I don't think I have ever felt as excited to lead as I do for tomorrow night!

The goal of the night is to sleep early! But ...

Grey Skies Seem Right

2010-08-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it is only Wednesday. Some weeks sure seem to have a lot of work hours in them and not enough time to run around!

I had such a great weekend. I rearranged my kitchen! It didn't take much since my kitchen is small, but I think the cupboards look so much better now. When I say rearranged, I mean that I took everything out of three shelves, and reput them into two shelves. Now I have more room to expand all the kitchen stuff!

Sunday I headed to church and listened to one of those sermons that shake and make you. It was super great. If you have time to spare, or if you don't, you should listen to it!

After church I headed out for lunch with a bunch of westsiders. We ate at the noodle box. I'd never been there before. It was pretty good. It was great to fellowship and just enjoy company. I feel as though I have met a lot of people at westside, but have not spent a lot of time outside of church with them. So I'm excited that Sunday lunches and mid-week activities can occur! I always just get so encouraged hanging out with people who have goals in life that are similar. And by goals I mean God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! Great goals for life.

In the evening I got a text telling me that a campfire was about to occur! Campfire crew is back! I'm pretty excited. We spent so much time having campfires in spring and at the beginning of summer, and hopefully it'll start up again! It was a small crew of peeps, but a great one! So many good stories and laughs and marshmellows!

Monday I went to work for the day, and then invited my friend Michelle over for dinner. I made a shrimp super-spicy stirfry. Great times!

Tuesday, yesterday, was work as well, some quick errands, and then a birthday party! My friend Cydney who I met through small group had a fun get-together at her place. There were a bunch of people there, most whom I didn't know, some whom I'd met, and then a few who I'd hung out with before. It was great to chat with people and just have fun. We sat outside, ate food, chatted, and laughed. Good times.

Today is another work day. Yay for breaks! Then I'm off for a date with my sister! I'm stoked!

This week does seem super long though. Work has been either super super busy or super super slow. No nice consistency. Yesterday I got to leave early because I hadn't been able to get to my breaks on time. That was super useful for my errands sake!

Loves.

Fewer Melodies Lesser Harmonies

2010-08-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

So last Sat after letting my mind get refreshed and spending some quality time with no-one at all, I got bored. Surprise. I texted my cousin and we went out for sushi (shocking) and drinks. It was good to catch up, and just spend time together. Sometimes with cousins you only see each other at yearly functions, but when you consider how much time you grew up together, it makes sense that you would probably enjoy other time together since you've potentially been watching each other grow up and figure out life together! So that was great.

Sunday I went to church, and then headed back to Abbotsford. I spent a bit more alone time and just let my whole self has some rest.

I love people. I thrive on having a social life. I've had people say that they can't imagine doing as many things as I do. It's not even that I do that many exciting things. It's mostly just conversations. I fill my evenings with conversations in different locations. It's how I live. It's how I learn. It's how I figure out everything. It's how I have fun.

Then I crash. This was a crashing week. I filled it as always, and I loved every hang-out, as always, but I felt a little bit lost.

So Sunday, spent dinner with my parents. My Mom was the BEST (as always) and had corn-on-the-cob for me! Haha. I hadn't had it yet this year (that I can remember) and I had asked her a while ago to serve it sometime I was over. So she did. Great!

After dinner, I headed down to South Poplar and met up with the YC crew. A bunch of people played kick-ball and other such fun things like ice-blocking. I enjoyed catching up with peeps, and as seems to be always when I see this crew, spent time taking pictures and being in some. It was fun times. I love them all there, and there are two girls (Shannon & Amanda) who have captured my heart. I always love when I get to see them. They're just genuinely great people! Amanda is going away for school pretty quick, so I'll miss her fiercely!

Monday I went over to see my bestest friend Maria. Maria and I have been friends for about 4ish years now. We became close when we were both in the school play. She had a major role and needed to have a vocal warm up much longer than most of the cast, and so we would go warm up together. I credit those vocal warmups for helping my voice to mature a lot. She could always sing a lot higher than I, but I would attempt to go higher than normal, and found a new voice in myself. It was great. Since then we have grown closer. She is one of the few people who knows all that goes on. Lots of people know lots of stuff, but she always is the one who makes sure that I'm okay. She's great. This summer she is working at a camp, so I haven't seen her in a bit, so I went to her place for bfast and a great catch-up. I'm super blessed because she also lives in Vancouver during the school year (she's a UBC music opera major) and so we get to see each other during the year.

After bfast I headed over to Starbucks to meet up with Gab and Ayden. Ayden is a babe of a baby. It was a great catch up with Gab. We enjoyed our coffees on the patio, and were treated to some free via taste tests. It was so fun to chat!

Tuesday was one of those days that was meant to end at the start. I had a bit of a tough work day, and was rather frustrated with some situations. I texted a friend to see if she was free, and she was! She also had had a not-too-fab day so it was good to get together. I headed to her place and we started walking to a restaurant that she had a coupon for (did I mention that she's a previous A-town girl - therefore menno - yep). Once we got there, we sat down. I figured we should show the coupon to the waitress (always a good idea - apparently) and the waitress said they didn't accept it. Interesting ... So we decided that we wouldn't stay. We walked up to 4th and got some two for one pizza, picked up some daiquiri mix, and headed to her place and watched grey's. It was perfect. I love those nights.

Wednesday was again not the most fantastic day. I had a 'run-in' of sorts with someone who basically disputed something that I was doing. It's not a blog share, but it was super frustrating, because she was coming into a situation where she had zero prior knowledge, where as I had been working with the person for a while. Anyways ... I was exhausted and frustrated post work. Kirstyn needed a place to stay for Wed and Thurs, so after I vented for a bit, we headed for dinner at Sophie's, and then went to improv on GI. I love improv. I think it's now my go-to thing.

Thursday I worked, and then headed to my free massage! Yep. It was a free half-hour massage through my phsa savings card. (quite a blessing - like an entertainment book in a card for health care workers) I upgraded it to an hour massage (because half-hour does nothing - but 60 mins is so much more fab). It was a shiatsu massage. Different than any I have experienced, but I left feeling so much better than I had felt in a while. I am going to try to go two more times. They say three treatments of this type of massage and it is a lot better for your body. I have had a lot of back pain for about 6 years now (since a car accident) and have tried physio, chiro, and massage therapy, but never before have I had someone who seemed to understand me, and give me super practical things to do to get rid of pain. So that was good.

I headed home after, and then Kirst and I headed to Emily's. We made pizza, and then picked up a movie. It was a good movie. I would definitely recommend it. Ghost Writer. It was fun to hang out with those two. I always enjoy it.

Once we got home, it was super late, but my mind couldn't calm down. I just knew that I needed to spend some q-t with God. So I grabbed my Bible and spent some time just learning. I finished Romans, which has been a bit of a struggle for me. It's interested because everyone who I told that Romans was a hard read, told me that they loved it. I'm not quite sure why I struggled in it. I've started Isaiah now. A bit daunting, but I just want to read some stuff that is like, the voice of the Lord. I think it'll be good. I'm excited to learn more and grow.

Friday I slept in uber late, which was great, and then my friend Marissa texted me. She invited me over. I walked over to her place and we sat and chatted for a while over strawberry-banana smoothies. Then walked down Cambie, went for sushi, needed cash for sushi, walked to the bank, walked back, went in a couple stores, ordered sushi, got sb, got sushi, sat in the sun. Lovely. Went to the liquor store, went to London Drugs, went to Shopper's. Went back to her place, watched some s&tc, and just chilled. It was one of those days that does nothing to exhaust you, and completely refreshes you. Lovely. It was great.

I headed home, and did pretty much nothing all evening. Watched some tv, made some dinner, painted my toes, yep. Nice.

This morning I slept in again, watched a movie, and now at sb. It's a good day. A bit boring, but sometimes boring is alright. But only sometimes.

It's been a quiet writing week. I changed some words around. Not much.

I'm kind of excited for the next two weeks. My schedule is practically consistent. 9-5, and then 9:30-5:30. It'll be kind of nice to have some regular-ness. I've been having some odd weeks with early mornings, late nights, and in between shifts. I think that is why I have been super exhausted and been getting burnt out. Two weeks of normal could be good for me.

San Diego is coming up super soon. 3 Saturdays from today I'll be there, with my Mom, sisters, and youngest niece. It should be super great. I'm pretty excited!

One thing I am excited about is that I get to hang out with my sister Kirst this week, just the two of us! I'm actually really excited. I love her a bunch, and she's been uber busy getting her master's but now she has some time off, and Mac is away for a bit, so we get some sister time. Yep!

Another super excited thing for me is that next Sunday I get to lead worship at YC. I'm super stoked. I haven't led worship since moving out here. It's been the hardest aspect of moving. Learning to serve in different ways than music. Music has always been my go-to, and how I have shown my worship to God, so I've had to learn new ways. Tear-down at westside has been good, but it's not anything I normally would have chosen to serve in. It's been a learning experience, and a new way to humility.

Please pray that I'll keep seeking and finding the peace that has been surrounding me amidst this week and the weeks before. I just want to know God. Last week I met someone, who I could just see Jesus in. It was a cool experience. I want to be that person. I want to have the love of Jesus flowing from me, and the grace and kindness that I experience to be given to others in my through Christ.

Summer is to Sleep as Boys are to Barbies.

2010-07-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

This summer is by far one of my favourite summers yet. I never before have had a summer even similar to it. Growing up I went to overnight camp, day camps, and spent lots of time swimming and playing Barbies and having sleepovers and generally just going wherever Mom suggested. I liked it. I had no probs.

Then I went to camp for 5 whole summers working there. It was perfection. I always loved it. I am extremely thankful for those times. I am thankful for the impact people had on me, and I am thankful in knowing that God used me to impact others as well.

Then last summer I was in school. Summer, honestly, was not the best. I did not really enjoy it all that much. I enjoyed it in the sense that it was hot, and I did fun things, but I mostly went to class, drove to Spag, served or hosted, went home, did homework, and then repeated mostly the same the next day. It was a phase I knew I had to be a part of, but it was not the most fun. Being educated in summer should be through things like walking on the beach and seeing a starfish. It should not be in a classroom.

Fast forward to now. You don't really need to fast forward any faster than your life though. I'm learning that life always goes fast and quick and speedy-gonzalas. So just hold on amidst the days and you always end up somewhere.

Now. This summer. Fantastic. Favourite.

I never realized how much I need to learn, how much I need to grow, and how much I can do of both in just a few months.

I still work. Most days. I am not getting full-time hours quite as much, but it varies, and since it is summer, it is alright. This past week I worked six days in a row. Yay for next pay check. Yay for actually having an ability to tithe. Such a blessing.

I still do things like camp. It is just different now. Less Barbies, less sleep, less formula or 'have-to's. A lot more days lounging on the beach, going to late-night shows, dancing on the beach, sunset gazing, and so much more.

I have been so busy. Today is the first day in like, ages and ages, that I am spending it alone. I needed today to happen. I could feel it on Wednesday morning. I could feel myself getting ready to hermit up. I couldn't yet though because I had made plans until Saturday. So I knew I had to fake some serious people loving until then. I didn't have fake too much. All the people I hung out with are great people, so it wasn't faking at all. I just had to remind myself of blessings. It was great.

Let's go back in time though. It has been a few days plus a few more since I last blogged. I love writing on here. It's kind of how I remember what I've done, and appreciate it more!

On the 23rd I said bye to EmC. She's gone now. I miss her. But we are texting a bit back and forth, which is super cool. Probably won't seem quite as cool next phone bill, but whatever. It is worth it to be able to send her a text that says, 'just say someone in a fanny pack. thought you should know. yep'. Seriously. How cool are we!? Um ... please do not answer that.

Then I went out downtown and met up with Christy, Emily, and Brittany. We went to one of my fav pubs and just enjoyed chatting. Nice, chill, lovely.

Saturday was Kirstyn's birthday. We went to Lynn Valley, and had some serious fun there. I loved it. It was so relaxing and great. I got to see people I hadn't in ages, and it was lovely. We went and had dinner after, then went and watched fireworks from pretty much the worst angle ever. I was reminded of why I always go to English Bay. There is really no comparing.

Sunday I gave myself a sleep-in because I knew I was starting a long week. Worked that evening. I guess that was my last non-people day. But somehow working until 11 at night doesn't quite make it seem like a non-people day.

Monday I worked at 7 (eek - kinda tough after working until 11 - yep). It was a short shift though, just 6 hours. My Mom and I met up at Ikea and then went out for dinner and just enjoyed some company. My Dad was gone in Saskatchewan on a big-boys trip! Haha. My Mom's brothers and Dad went and played golf for a week. Basically big-boy paradise. Pretty much.

Tuesday I worked, and then had Ariana over for dinner. I have decided that she is kind of my musical kindred spirit. (Side note - I hung out with friends the next day and said that 'I have met my soul mate'. They looked at me with excited surprise, and anticipation. Suddenly I realized what I had said. 'Kindred spirit!!!!!!' Excited, surprised, anticipating faces gone. Typical - 'looking at Nadine cause she's crazy' faces - right back on like normal). She goes to westside, actually works there too, and we had kind of chatted a few times. Kind of random to have someone over for dinner when you've never really chatted too much with before, or ever hung out with. But it was good. She has a music degree, which I think is quite cool, which also means she understands music. I feel as though I love and understand most music. She also loves pop music. I absolutely love pop music. Like, I like my indie singer-songwriter stuff, but I live my life as a pop song. My soundtrack would include lots of pop. Anyways, we share a mutual love for one of my favourite artists. It was fantastic! Haha. We had a pretty basic meal. I bought turkey breast, and marinated it in greek dressing all day. Cooked it, and mixed it into a spinach, mango, and strawberry salad. Super delish and super easy. I love good yummy salads.

After she left, I felt as though I still wanted to do something, so I called up Michelle, and went over, and then we walked down to the beach, grabbed some sb, and sat by the water for a while. Lovely. I love that I can just like, call someone up, and be at the beach in minutes. Fabulous!

Wednesday I trained in the morning for my new job. Then I went downtown, enjoyed some sushi, sat in a cafe (they have the BEST coffee bwt), and read almost an entire book. Once K was done class, we went out for dinner, had the worst server, and then headed to the beach. Em, Britt, and some Kansas people (a missions team) came and joined us. I truly love fireworks. So so fun. (But only at English Bay!) They kind of amaze me. Honestly though, pretty much everything amazes me. When I consider light, crazy. When I consider cellphone technology - what the heck - crazy. Everything, so cool, crazy, and who would have thought? Haha. I can only imagine what they'll come up with next.

Thursday I worked, and then Christy came over and we went to Hell's Kitchen. Our server mixed up both of our orders, but it was somehow okay. We still enjoyed the meals! Haha. We talked good talk. Always. I find it hard to explain my peace to other people. Christy gets it more than most though I think.

Friday. Yesterday. Great. I worked. I didn't wear my full scrub outfit because I was clerking and not collecting. I wore my scrub pants because they're just soooo very comfortable, but I wore a nice top. I always have to remind myself that compliments mean different things to different people. Two people told me that I looked like a child, and then meant it in a really nice way. Thanks. However, one girl, when chatting about our ages thought I was like 25. I was rather flattered. It's always nice to not look like I am fourteen, since that is closer to the guess most people seem to guess, which doesn't quite make sense to me. I don't feel fourteen. I feel closer to like forty than fourteen! Haha. Not really. It was a good work day. Again, I could feel that I was kind of at the end of my ropes in the 'people' way, but I just pushed through and tried to just love everyone!

After work I headed home for a little bit, then down to Granville Island. My friends were about an hour behind in their driving, so I grabbed a drink, and read a book. I'm into reading right now. It's fun. Then once they came, we went to Improv, which was great. It was hilarious. I'll definitely be back, so if anyone wants to go, I'll come with you! It was super fun to hang out. It was Karina's birthday so super great to see her and some other friends. I even got to go on stage and take place. It was kind of a boring scene or so I thought, but it was okay. But apparently I'm quite funny. I like this fact. Haha.

The other day, Emily told me that I'm a good person to have around because 'I get things done'. It's true. If you are going out, and are not quite sure what to do, or how to make things happen, bring me. I make things happen. I think it's just because I'm not very timid. Like, I'm not timid at all. It's been fun to grow since moving here. I remember when I moved here, I told my Mom and Kirst that I would never just got out by myself, or sit in a restaurant by myself. Well, last night I did. And I've done it before. It's cool. It's fun to be confident in myself, and just feel good with who I am, and who I am becoming.

Yet today, I am myself-ing it. I slept in. Wow. I got awoken to a phone call. I reached over, answered, and listened to my niece ramble for a long time. It was lovely. I feel as though ten minutes or maybe fifteen, I started feeling a bit more awake. Good chats with them. Over an hour of conversations, which is always super great and such a blessing.

Now I'm in Starbucks. As always, apparently. Though I hadn't been here since Monday. That's a long time in my world. I was planning to go to the beach and lie there all day, but I'm just not quite sure if I'm feeling it. I might just lie in my backyard. I wanted to go to fireworks. I still might, but my friends can't come anymore, so I'm not sure if I really want to go all alone. I'm not timid, but I do have my limits!

I'm heading to Abby tomorrow. I might go this afternoon though. Still deciding. I really want to go to church though. I haven't been in a while because of work. I've missed it.

I just uploaded some vids to my youtube page. Please check them out. Comment on them on the youtube page so I know what you think! I'd so appreciate that.

-- Heart Gets Chilly --

-- Let's Please Love --

Anyways, I hope you are doing super well. I hope your summer is fantastic. Mine is absolutely amazing. Like, I can't get over how great my life is. In every way.

Post 94?

2010-07-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Whhhhhat? This is not post 94. It's true. But I just hit post 94 on the blog I have that is just lyrics/music for songs I write. Crazy craze. I brought a journal to sb with me today so I could get all those songs up. I just am falling more and more in love with songwriting.

It's cool to read the lyrics that I was writing years ago. The journal today was from about 2 years ago, and then I brought along my file with songs from about 4-6 years ago. It is so cool to see where I have been, and how I can remember exact days through the songs. Certain songs hold a lot of meaning, whilst a lot of other ones are songs I'll never ever show anyone now. And yet at the time, they were my heart. So it's interesting to think about years from now. What will my music from right now mean then?

Speaking of right now music, I wrote 3 songs yesterday. I don't know why, or how, but it just sorta fell out of me. One of them is fantastic. One of them needs music still, and one needs a bit more loving until I love it.

The chorus of the one I love goes like this,

My heart gets chilly when you're not here

My mind grows quiet when you're not near

My thought seem small when you're away

All I ever wanted is for you to stay

I like it. I feel as though it is a cool reflection of something I wrote a few weeks ago.

This week has been good. Busy busy, as my last post seems to infer. Sleep definitely is the last thing I'm seeking. Summer is my goal. Summer is here. Therefore - goal accomplished!

This week was full, as is everyday. Sunday I worked then went to watch some basketball with Kirsten. Malcolm was playing in some competition that was outdoors. Super fun. I absolutely love watching live sports. I never know how to play well, and the way I cheer typically gets mocked (the team was losing a decent amount and I shouted that they were playing great. Everyone look at me funny. I figure they were playing far greater than I ever could. Whatever.) I worked Monday, filled Tuesday with a meeting, then a hang out with my friend Megan. She's one of my spag friends who has made a huge effort to keep in touch. It's great. We went for some delish sushi, then to the art gallery. Lots of fun. Then I headed to the beach - which turned out being an adventure to find - so typical of me. Met up with small group friends. Enjoyed some bocche ball, and then some just-made blueberry pie with ice cream. Deslish. Wednesday I worked, then headed dt with friends to watch the fireworks. I thought they were absolutely fantastic. Super impressive. Yesterday I worked then had my friend Kelsey over for dinner. We went out for some interesting dessert after. Haha. Great conversation though.

Today I did some house cleaning and laundry, and have been in sb for a bit typing out my songs for the other blog, and now writing this.

I'm heading to EmC's (I don't think she knows that's what I refer to her as - she'll learn) for dinner cause she's leaving for a month. Sad times. Then heading dt for drinks with friends tonight. Tomorrow is Kirstyn's birthday so we're heading to Lynn Valley and then going to have a bbq. I've got another bday to hit up, so we'll see if I make it.

I need about 18 hours added to my days. That's be perfection.

This peace thing is continuing. Pretty cool. I'm a fan.

Losing Sleep

2010-07-21T10:25:00.001-07:00

I'm losing sleep right now. Or just not making time for sleep. Life is far too fun to sleep.

Got it.

2010-07-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden I got filled with peace this week.

I don't blog about everything. I've mentioned this before. There are several key areas of my life that I reserve for my conversations with Jesus, my mother, and my besties. Those areas are the ones that aren't always fabulous, but keep me learning.

Friday Em came over. We packed a picnic and headed to the ocean. Enjoyed some yum simple food on the grass, a great chat, then headed over to the sandy part called the beach (in case you weren't aware). We sat, chatted randomly, but spent a lot of time just pondering the sky, and the sea, and the mountains, and everything.

As we sat, the tide slowly approached us, so eventually we had to move back a bit to a log. We watched the sun make its slow descent into the trees, and somewhere in that moment, I found peace. I didn't notice it until later, but it came. It came when I realized that I could go to sleep without tossing about thinking of my off-subject topics.

I think mostly it was the tide. Watching how in perfect rhythm it moved inward. Never hesitating, and going just the right amount every time. Such an incredible thing to watch. Such a shout of praise to the creator. Such a reminder for me that he is God, he has a plan, and his plan is always fantastic.

When I lived in Liberia, the thing that brought me the most peace was to watch the sun set. This was because then I could consider that as I was watching it leave me, it was still with the people whom I loved, and as I got to greet the sunshine each morning, it had just left the people whom I missed. And it brought me true peace.

This was the same as I watched the sun set. Again I was reminded just of how cool God is.

It's called the peace that passes understanding because it's kinda confusing, yet oddly not stressful to think about. And I got it.

Just as good as the last one

2010-07-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

I love that pretty much every blog can end with a statement along the lines of, "everything is fantastic". I am continually thankful for the many blessings in my life. So good.

Yaletown proved fun. I have never really spent any time exploring there, but I definitely plan to now. There are so many restaurants and cafes and alleys to meander. Christy and I met up at the 'oval'. It's a circle, but for some reason I described it to a friend as the oval. So now, instead of a 'round-a-bout', it's called an 'oval-a-bout'. Def better use of words. I like it.

We spent some time looking around different places trying to figure out where to go. We were going to head to Cactus Club but headed elsewhere because the patio had a 30 minute wait. And summer dinners out should be on a patio. Lunches should be indoors (usually) because noon time is quite warm, but evenings spent outdoors are perfection. We headed over to Hub which is a newish place. Our server was great, food was great, and we enjoyed a nice pitcher of beer. Definitely a place I would and will head again, and would strongly suggest. They even have little blankets on the patio so if you get cool you can just grab one. I love places that think about their customers like that. Very considerate. Of course, since I was with Christy, the conversation was great.

After, we met up with Em & Kirst. Christy had to go home, so she sky-trained back and I went out with them. We headed over to Waves and enjoyed some bevies and dessert. And great chats, as always.

Thursday my friend Megan was going to head out here to hang out but there was a huge accident on the freeway so I had a self-guided tour of my area. It was quite fun. I headed all the way down Cambie walking through a few stores, then went to a sushi place on Broadway, headed to Best Buy to grad earbuds, to Starbucks to write cards and read, then to Save-On for groceries. I sky-trained back up to King Ed, and soon after Kirstyn came over. We hung out and chatted for a bit. She had brought along sparkling wine. Funny story.

So, I'm looking at the bottle from the couch and I'm like - I don't have a bottle opener so I'm not quite sure how we'll do this. She figured we can make it happen, even if it means using the party trick. Ha. I'm a little worried about that, but I'm always open to new ideas! So I head into the kitchen and take off the top cover and see that there is this twist thing. So I start slowly untwisting it. Kirst is watching me carefully which I'm so glad because if she had missed the moment that next occurred, she would have been sad. Seriously. K, so I get the last twist, and the cork goes FLYING through the air across my kitchen, and wine start pouring out of the bottle. We both yelp and start laughing. Cleaned it up, and started enjoying the wine, and definitely laughed a few times later in the evening about it. By the time we started the bottle it was already like a third done! Haha. So funny.

Then I started making dinner. At Save-On I had bought a recipe magazine which I am so glad. I spent some of my afternoon reading through it and marking ones that looked interesting. And when I say interesting, I mean, these look so delicious. You should definitely come over for dinner because I will be serving some fab meals in the future. This magazine has a page at the front that outlines ingredients that they figure one should have in their pantry. I'm pretty sure my Mom would have all of these things, and I am working towards them. Then in each recipe, they have five or less other ingredients so that you aren't going out buying super obscure things and wasting product. They also really encourage using fresh produce in your meals, and have lots of info about different types of fruit and vegetables and which kinds are good for different things. Very cool. I love learning more about cooking.

So I chose to make an Asian noodle veggie thing. I looked at the recipe for guidance and then varied it a bunch. Here's what I did. Grabbed my frying pan, put a cup and a half of water in it and brought it to a boil. I added the ramen noodles and a bunch of cut up broccoli, and red and yellow peppers. I cooked that for a few minutes, then added soy sauce, tabasco sauce, a bunch of pepper (as in - it's a good thing Kirstyn likes eating things that have a lot of tang, because there was a lot of pepper in this thing), sun-dried tomato dressing (I like adding this to a lot of things. I think it has a great flavour that is a good additive). Then I added shrimp, and simmered it for a while. I grabbed some bread, buttered, garlic-ed, and cheesed it, then broiled it for a few minutes. It was quite a delicious meal. I will definitely serve it again. But next time I'll make sure I have chopsticks in my house, because that would have made it more fun!

After dinner, we headed downtown for a drink, then went to see a movie. Whilst sitting on the patio, this rather drunk gentleman came over and started chatting with me about how lovely my glasses are. It was rather funny. Like literally, "Hi. Hi there. How are you? Good. How are you? Good, thanks, bye. You glasses, they're beautiful. Thank you. No seriously, they are beautiful. Thank you. Like, no matter what people tell you, you need to ... I need to ... Keep wearing them...? They just look so good on you. Thank you. What's your name? Nadine. Bye. My name is Lee. Okay. Bye. Christian, Lee Christian. Okay. Bye. What's your name? Kari. Karine. Nice to meet you. I'm Lee Christian. Nice to meet you, bye. You, you have a nice night okay. Okay, thanks. Bye". And then, he slowly walked away, walked across the street on a red light. Kirstyn and I were sitting there, turned around watching him, each praying he wouldn't get hit. Post him making it across, I said something along the lines of, "I'm so glad he didn't get hit, because I would have been obligated to help him, and I really didn't want to." During his conversation with me, I had moved my wallet across the table, my drink away from near him, and the pitcher to the other side as well. Super fun.

I love my life. I really do. I love every aspect. Because I'm learning that the moments that I don't love always end well, because God has this cool thing called a plan, because he is this cool thing called eternal. It's pretty cool.

Fantastic & Fun

2010-07-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

This week is quite a lovely week. Packed with moments that I'm thankful for!

Monday after writing the b-log and hanging out in Starbucks, I headed over to Kits to hang out with my friend Michelle. We headed downtown, grabbed sushi, and went to see a movie. Michelle and I have a funny history - back in early high school, she was my bib stud leader, and now we've reconnected through westside and are friends. She had gotten free tickets to a movie through her work, but it ended up being a first-come first-serve kind of thing, so we went to see Knight & Day instead of Inception. We both really enjoyed it. My favourite aspects of it were the couple in front of us who made-out a considerable amount of the movie, and the lady a few spots over who literally jumped out of her seat at one point when something semi-dramatic happened. Quite funny. Evening ended with some great chats with tea and a bread/cinnamon-y thing.

Tuesday started with a nice sleep-in, and then I met up with a friend from high school Julia. We headed to Ikea, literally spent several hours walking through the displays, and chatting about our dream homes, and laughed about ugly decorations, and just had a great time. Then we headed to Superstore where I did some grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is one of my favourite things to do, because it's the only place I can actually justify spending money.

Last night I made stir fry for the first time. I made a sauce with soy sauce and some sun-dried tomato dressing mixed in. It was really delicious! I want to make it again so I can try adding more veggies than I had. I only had red and yellow peppers, and broccoli. And I didn't think about having rice beside it until after I had the stir fry already made, so I just put it into a wrap. Next time I'll experiment more!

Then came one of those sleeping would be an awful idea kind of nights. I headed to bed and got out of bed two hours later after not sleeping. Then two more hours later I headed back to bed, and finally found asleep sometime after three. I was up just after five. Two quad shot americanos helped me survive work!

Work was good. It was a reading day, so I spent my day in a little room reading protocols and getting updated on everything.

Then Mac and Kirst came over to help me with my new curtains. Apparently it'll take a little more work than I thought, but they should be up soon! I read through one of K's essays and it was incredible. I felt really honoured to get to read it. It made me want to go back to school more!

And in a few I'm heading to Yaletown to meet up with Christy for some dinner. So fun!

Tomorrow I've got a lunch date with my friend Megan, and then my friend Kirst is coming over for dinner and for night. Friday I've got a bfast shin-dig with Rob, a meeting, and then hanging out with Emily in the afternoon.

Fantastic and fun thus far, and sure to be continued!

Marvelous Mondays

2010-07-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Or not so marvelous - all depends on perspective.

The bees nest in my air conditioning machine is the 'not' seeing as bees are becoming roommates and not the good kind. They don't help clean, and they don't provide good conversation. All they do is come too close for comfort, make awkward noises, die in random places (on my blanket - thanks), or need to be killed. Definitely not the kind of roommates I was looking for, especially since I wasn't looking for roommates. Roommates aside - I have always been fearful of bees, and had thought that I was getting better with them, until this happened. Now I'll be doing something in my place, and then all of a sudden be frozen with fear because I see a bee. It's a ridiculous fear, but a fear all the same.

Oh so marv - Since staying in my place means being filled with fear every other moment, I must therefore not be at home.

The sun is making life every more better. Beach days, almost tans (okay - burns), lots of summer song-writing, and all the more reason to celebrate the outdoors!

Last night I was looking through some of the songs that I have written in the past few weeks and months, and just had this moment of being so overwhelmed. I know that I've mentioned it before, and talked to friends and others about it, but I get so fearful of pride in music. And yet I am aware that somehow what I am writing and singing isn't all that awful (or so I'm told). I just was trying to figure out what my 'favourite' song is that I have written, and I realized that a bunch of them are my favz. I scares me sometimes when I see a song that I have written, and realize that it's good, and that I wrote it. Because it probably should be written by someone else. What point is this music to the world? Does it serve a purpose, and if so, why and what and how and ultimately - now what? I don't know. I'll just keep writing and posting them, and see what happens. I hadn't checked my yt page since I had posted my 3 Steps Forward song the other day and I went there and there were like 90 views in four days. And a couple of my songs have even more than that. It's just kind of this cool weird experience for me. I definitely don't understand music making except that I somehow seem to be doing it. Or something.

I found a journal from about a year and a half ago. I know I've posted here about how since moving to Van that I am a happier person. I know that full well. I am super aware that I've made a choice to be happy, and that now I am. I blame it all on Christ working in my heart, and my conscious decision to work on keeping Christ in my heart. Yet sometimes in the joy of today, I can forget what my sadness looked like. I knew that I was not happy, but I just kind of blamed it on certain things. Anyways - so last night I was reading through this journal, and was so overwhelmed by some of the words that I'd written. Words like, 'I just can't seem to find hope or peace anymore.' and 'I know what I need to do to be happy, but I just feel so captive and unable to get there'.

It's easy for me to look around at a broken world, and at people who are living their lives without the awareness of Christ, and without the peace and love and hope and joy that I cling to each day, and wonder if there is really hope for all. And then I see where I was, and see where I've been brought to through the reconciliation of the cross in my life, and realize that God is so powerful. God is love, and is love for all peoples, and is not overwhelmed by anything. God is the overwhelming that people need.

At church, we're studying John 17. We just started yesterday. It was a service that made me wish I had a dictionary. There were so many parts that I wanted to raise my hand and ask a question and ask for just like, smaller words! I knew that we would be studying this chapter so before I headed to Manitoba I read through the book of John to see what I could learn through it. I am always just so amazed when I spend time in the word. I am not someone who thinks to go to the Bible in general, and yet each time I open the Bible I get awestruck by God. Random - I had a friend a month ago or so and she was like, 'why is your Bible in your bathroom?' ... Well, it's because then each time I'm in that room, I'll also dive into the word! Haha. (this is why I'm an asparagus Christy)

Another random - just found out that the storm I might have written here about (basically the biggest storm I've ever been in - whilst sleeping in a trailer) had a tornado in it about an hour away from where we were! Definitely not in Kansas anymore! Or maybe we were!

So basically, reading over this post, it seems as though my life is filled with me being overwhelmed like, all the time! Haha. I don't think I really get overwhelmed all that much, but all the boring normality of life isn't blogworthy. And I also don't think my life is very boring. I quite like it. It's pretty fantastic.

I also just spent a little bit of time reading over posts from the past couple of months. I wonder if anyone enjoys reading my blog as much as I do. Because I love seeing what happens in my life. It's like a bunch of pictures because a picture paints a thousand words, but I just use words, so I paint pictures through my written thoughts.

I feel as though this song summarizes my life right now. It's one of those songs I wish I had written first because it's my thoughts.

"More than I hoped for, more than I dream of, this is how it should be." - Colbie Caillat

Home Sick Home

2010-07-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

Monday was a long long long day. After a super great itty bitty coffee date with Karoline, I drove back to the hotel, picked up the rents, and we started for home. It was a pretty good drive that day. Lots of black road was seen! It was a nice change from the gravel roads of the Manitoba farm! Though I did like driving there too. You don't realize how different it is to drive on a gravel road until you're going really fast and need to either slow down or turn at all. Haha. All good.

I think I ate more fast food in the travel days of this trip than I have in the past four months. I am quite okay with not continuing that trend. You forget how gross your body feels after eating food like that. I'll keep sticking with my sushi!

I definitely became a bonified country girl though! I'm not quite sure if the actual country people would agree, but I do. I slept in a trailer, used the lawn as a washroom in the night, sat awake through the biggest storm of my life whilst in my trailer, walked down the street to watch the lightening during a different storm, drank whisky and rye (for some reason I feel as though that is country? whatevs...), danced to country songs til midnight or almost, and had a rediculous amount of fun.

This was definitely the most 'un-like me' vacation I have ever taken. Most vacations of my life have been in hotels, and my summers were spent at camp, but it was a camp that didn't really include roughing it. Which works for me!

And yet this was a super fun vacation. My family was in a house just down the street, and I was with the bridal party and the family of the bride on their farm. It was super great to hang out with my brother Greg and get to know my now-sister Danielle. We spent lots of time laughing and getting to know each other. And that includes Greg. We've never spent too much time together in my 'adult' life, so it was great to kind of re-get to know each other and figure out a new kind of sibling relationship.

Probably the best moment of the week was when our entire family gathered together and my Dad just prayed a blessing over each of us, and just pointed out things that he loves about us, and just prayed for each of our futures. It was a truly beautiful moment. It is such a rarity that all of us are together. And even being together all week, I think that was the only moment where we were all sitting in one room, without someone crying or baking or something. I am so blessed by my family. All of us siblings reiterated to my parents that we have always felt so encouraged and blessed and supported growing up, and how our lives have always been good, largely related to how our parents have treated one another, and us. It was a good reminder to just be so thankful for what we have. So often people can spend a lot of their adult life criticizing their upbringing, and being bitter towards their parents, and I think a lot of people have a right to that because they did go through hard times growing up, and yet I am so aware of how a thankful heart is what we need in life.

Another great moment during the wedding was finally getting to share my song with everyone! Most of them had heard the music part, but had never heard the words/melody. It was so special to get to share that with everyone, and especially Greg and Danielle.

And now I am back in my city. I think I missed it whilst we were in Winnipeg, but once on the farm I didn't have time to miss it. I managed to catch some sort of sickness whilst there so I have spend the majority of the past couple days of being home lying on my couch. I did laundry, cleaned up, and played my most missed aspect of being gone - the guitar.

I now just have to write music to the songs I remembered to write down whilst gone, and see what happens with music in the future. The more I write, the more I realize how much I love it. Artistic expression is something that I feel is so incredible. I can't get over how much I can learn, and how much I figure out each time I write another song. I feel as though music is the hugest aspect of how I figure things out in my life.

A few more hours and the I am off to work. This week is four to midnight, so hopefully I can fit in a nap this afternoon. Otherwise I might just topple over at work. And that would just be silly.

Hotel Schmotel

2010-07-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

So currently I am sitting at a computer in Calgary in our hotel. The rents are sleeping in today because I have a coffee date with a Calgary friend! I'm pretty excited to see her. I've got about five minutes until I head, but I've been missing writing so I figured I'd ty[pe-n] a few words in.

The past what feels like a month, but it actually like, ten days or something have been so great. I've been bitten by more mosquitoes than you have, guaranteed, unless you were at the wedding with me - then we're probably about even.

Yesterday whilst driving to Calgary, I had my journal with me for the first time since the drive in, so I was furiously writing down all the lyrics I could remember having thought up whilst the wedding bliss happened. I don't think I got them all, but I figure if they're good, they'll make it back to me! I can not wait to play my guitar once I get home. I had been getting pretty used to spending my before bed time playing music, and a lot of other time as well.

The time with the family, and with old friends and new ones was great. It was kind of fun to live on a farm. I lived in a trailer. Pretty sweet. Haha. The only huge complaint I really had were the bugs. Everything else I could at least pretend to love!

But I should start driving so I can make the most of my time with my friend!

Hope your life has been fantastic! I'm so excited to catch up with friends and hear all about everything that has happened. I feel as though I have been gone like a year or something!

You've never heard of it have you?

2010-06-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

Last evening was one of those nights that has made my whole life just seem to be put in a lot more perspective, and I just feel way more peace in everything, and I am so reminded yet again of the huge blessings I just seem to keep getting.

It's not that my life is all grand. There are some serious things going on in my non-writing thoughts, and some truly tough discussions that I have with people and with God, and each day I keep holding on to the peace that I have been craving for so long.

And yet it kind of is that all of my life is grand. Right now I am sitting in a super comfy chair in the same Starbucks as yesterday. You could say that I am addicted. But it's on a gift card. So whatever (probably shouldn't mention that I'm the one that filled it - you save money if you use a registered gift card btw). I'm drinking a latte that the peeps here had never heard of. I created it when I worked in the cafe in Liberia. I got a free drink every time I work, and since I worked everyday, I made myself some interesting drinks.

I'm sitting in Starbucks with freshly cut hair that was a gift from a friend, after a super great conversation last night, after a really great conversation with my sister (seriously Lynette - I love our conversations - just so you know!) after a spectabulous lunch date with Em & Kirstyn, after doing dishes, and packing, and playing guitar, and now I'm sitting here yet again. So blessed. Sitting here in the comfy chair, with my free internet (albeit along with the paid-for latte), super nice weather right outside the window, and am currently listening to the same song on repeat. It's my song of the week. I feel like people have been listening to it for ages, but I just caught on. It's nice. My other song is this one. J'adore.

Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking when he made me. Because I feel like sometimes he put a few too many things in my brain. And I'm not talking smarts. I'm talking like - thoughts. I just have so very many!

Yet again, makes me feel just the reason to completely reiterate the fact that my dear friends, I am so incredibly thankful for each of you. The ones who've stuck with me throughout me figuring out that joy is my life choice, and those of you who have let me enter your Van lives and just like - move into your friend groups. So great!!!

K. Now my on repeat song has changed. I just went on yt to find that sara b. song and that's when I found the version that I put up on here. It is so good. That's why I write music. The happiness you can hear amidst everyone in that room!

Oh - funny story. On my first adventure to Starbucks (of my life - vat?) the other day, I went in to the joint and this guy was like - um, you look like you work here. (this was after I had let him go in front of me because they didn't have the flavour I wanted for my latte so I had to rethink the whole sitaution) So I told him that I was the secret owner of Starbucks, and that's why I was wearing a green dress/black tights/sweater, and he was like - it's not very secretive to wear the colours. But I think it'd be the best secret. You could walk into the place and people would think you work there, and you do, but not there, and you own it, so you are cooler than everyone in the place combined. He then told me that I should buy his drink if I own it, so I said that I would, but he didn't let me. That does not make sense to me. Cause if someone ever was like - I'll buy you that drink - I would say, okay thanks. Just sayin'

Like honestly, what was God thinking. Does anyone else just have random conversations with people everywhere they go, and all that. Christy and I were talking last night about some of our life experiences, and we figure they're better than movies. Well, they're just like our favourite movies, plus they're real, and better, because you don't need the 3D glasses to make them 3D. They're our world.

Another funny conversation - a while ago some people and I were talking about how we are going to invite someone over and pretend that we have a 3D tv that is already 3D without the glasses, and see if they just run with it, or comment it. Kind of Emperor's New Clothes esk. I'm pretty excited. But then again - it's doesn't take much to make my life go from good to great!

Okay - best moment hands down I have had in ages occured on like, oh yeah - my study my brains off Saturday two weeks back. I was studying and noticed I had missed a call from my sis Lynette. So I listened the the message and knew I had to call her back. This was vital to making my life fantastic amidst studying my ars off. So I call and joined in to a via-phone tea party with my sister and my nieces. It was fantastic. I ate strawberries, drank tea that was apparently too strong (but it was okay because I could just add some more water - no big deal!), and giggled.

I am really hoping that one of these can happen in real person next week! Via-phone parties are always super duper fun, but via-face parties are even better!

Another btw - I make this latte a lot better than they do. I knew a better way to blend the flavours. Did I mention it's a Raspberry Carmel Latte. Yep. I bet you'd never heard of it before either.

See ya.

Wiping The Rose Colour

2010-06-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

So there was a moment today when I realized that Vancouver does lack something. Up until now I was living in a rose coloured world with butterflies and rainbows and beautiful men bringing me white wine whenever I felt the need to indulge.

That was until now. Today the vision blurred into neutrality, the butterflies flew, the rainbow slipped, and the white wine turned into my third day in a row sitting in a Starbucks, because I can not seem to find places where there is wi-fi, good food/beverages, and parking in this city!

This must change.

I have a dream.

A sushi/ice cream/cupcake/jello/coffee/other delish things joint with wi-fi for customers for more than 2 hours per day, with a huge parking lot!

So I am aware that this dream might be a little bit. Like - who would buy into the jello part??, you know. So I'm willing to give in a little.

But honestly - I sent out a mass text to a bunch of my Van city friends. I asked who knew of a place with sushi and wi-fi. Everyone responded with a no, and almost everyone responded with, 'but if you find one - let me know'.

Therefore - I want in. If anyone else wants in, let me know. Let's pool our pennies. We can get a jello wi-fi joint with sushi on the side! I can deal with no parking. I can even maybe deal without all of the food options. Just sushi rolls and good beverages and wi-fi.

Sad vent over.

Now onto the goodness of today. Well, all of it of course. I was thinking the other day about whether I'm a glass half-full or half-empty person. I decided that I am more like, a glass constantly getting filled higher person.

Since I've been writing lots this past few lil while, I can't remember if I wrote about this subject. Probably. You can just tune out. No bigs.

Vancouver has turned me into a happier person. I know for a fact that this is truth. Maybe it wasn't the city, or the ocean accessibility, or who knows, but something changed in me on February 13th of this year. On February 13th, I changed who I was. I went from someone who wasn't happy, who was really really good at faking happiness, to the person I am now. I am happy. Way happier than I have ever been. When I hang out with people, and they complain, sometimes I want to shake them. I want to shake them and give them some skittles or something. (Just cause skittles are like - the best ever!) Our life isn't half done, or half started, or anything. Our life is the hugest opportunity we will ever have. Each day is an option to love and choose joy, or to not.

Today I woke up in a good mood because I looked up and saw the dress I bought yesterday. Good story.

Once upon a time, Nadine slept in really late. Like, really late. Then she watched some tv. Actually, she watched the Tyra show. She knows she shouldn't admit that. If you're no longer her friend, that's okay. Then she decided to check her email. So she drove across town thinking she would head to Kerrisdale, then ended up on some road she didn't know, missed the Starbucks she had considered she'd go to in Dunbar, and somehow ended up in Point Grey. -how does this happen to me- She spent the next little while in Starbucks. Her Starbucks adventure ended with her borrowing someones charger so that she could post her very important blog.

After leaving Starbucks, she decided to see if she could find a post box. Because this girl, has been having a lot of trouble mailing things since moving to her new city. So she sees one, but it is across the street, and her favourite store is on this side of the street. Therefore (my favourite word in the whole entire world is therefore - just sayin') she went to the store. Because, what else is a girl to do. She goes in to her favourite store (Changes) and is greeted with joy by the people whom work there. They know that Nadine rarely leaves their store without a bag full of beautiful clothing. They also know that she is more than willing to try on anything they give to her. A great trait - or so she think...-. So, anyways, she starts looking around the store. She immediately spots the dress. But she lets it go, because it is a few dollars pricier than she wants to spend. But she keeps getting drawn back to it. Like literally, this dress is calling her name. She decides to try it on. She grabs it, and literally, as she does, the sales lady (no joke) squeals with joy and speaks of how glad she is that Nadine is trying this dress on! Nadine goes into the change room, and after trying on other things, puts the dress on. She walks out. Sales lady gasps. Puts Nadine in shoes, a belt, a jacket, necklace, hairband, and more. Nadine looks in mirror. She wishes she was Beyonce and was a boy so she could date said girl in said dress. (Kind of?) Nadine confers with sales lady. They decide that Nadine's budget is limited, she should get only the dress and headband. Nadine can name the things in her home which she can use to accent instead of new things. Sales lady thinks this is a great idea. She decides to pay. OH NO! Nadine remembers that this store has a sneaky little sale in its emails. But one must print off the email. Nadine tells them that she does not have a printer with her, so they suggest the library. Nadine runs over, because the store is actually already closed and they are keeping it open because they literally are lovely. She runs to the library, gets put in like, 4 different lines, and eventually is told to get a library card so she can log on to the computer, print, and yep. She fills out the paperwork and runs back to the store to fill them in on the information. They are content. She runs back to library. She is told that she must wait longer. She runs back to store. Still fine. Runs back to library. Logs onto computer for all of one minute, prints papers, runs back to store, saves money. At this point she is already late for her evening plans, is hot and sweaty from running up and down the street, but is now the proud owner of the dress, headband, and a library card! The end.

I went to work and turned into a grump. I knew I was a grump. I hate when I am grumpy, because there is rarely a reason in life worthy of a face that is not filled with joy. So I worked on it. I prayed that Jesus would change my heart, and that no one in the work place would be aware that I was super grumpy. I spent my first break on my own talking to my Mom. That helped. I also ate jello. That helped a lot.

My whole day changed. I still knew that I wasn't in a good mood, but I also knew that life is great. My beautiful sister informed me that she wasn't having the most fantastic day either. So I sent her a lil email reminding her that Jesus is with us, and he is how we're okay. And in a way, I think I was more sending it to me, because I needed to remind myself of that!

Wings last night were delish. As always. And my night ended with a super good real person and text convo which also brought a whole lot of peace into a certain un-peaceful situation that is going on.

And now Christy is coming to Starbucks, then we'll head to my house, and hang out. I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that she is someone whom always makes my day ten fold better each time we chat!

Tonight will definitely include ice cream. Just sayin'

Tomorrow will include another sleep in, packing up my stuff, cleaning my house top to bottom since it'll sit open for a weeks, heading to a baseball game, then driving to Abbotsford, sleeping in my old bed (such a treat!), and then waking up the next morn' to drive to Winnipeg! Adventure time!

Whatever. My glass is still filling up. What have I got to complain about? Well - nothing except the lack of sushi wi-fi venues. And btw - I'm not joking about this idea. Pool the pennies peeps!

I don't know if I'll get to blog while I'm gone. I will miss it. The past few days have def been uber fun for me. I love blogging.

Oh - I think the link is up on youtube. And when I say I think, I mean that, it is. So go check it out!

Enjoy the summer! Choose joy!

Stay stay

3rd times a something

2010-06-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like this post might be shorter. Apparently I write long blog posts. Apparently...

So last night as I was ending my super fantastic day and evening with some songwriting, I thought about that fact that I don't have my computer backed up, which basically means if my computer had an issue, I would lose pretty much all of my songs. So todays coffee shop adventure has been filled with starting a new private blog and putting all my songs up on there. Right now I've got 48. Those are all the ones I've written on this computer. The rest are in journals, so they shall make it up on there in time to come. This way I have uber easy access to them wherever I am, and no one else can see them! Yay!

Time will tell for like everything in my life right now - apparently.

Yesterday was so lovely. After I finished my long time at Starbucks, I headed home, made some din, hung out, we watched some tv, a really old show called 'Freaks & Geeks' and it was pretty funny. Set in the 80's. I probably should have grown up then. Like, I'm super glad I was born in the 80's, but it would have been nice to experience that time a bit more!

Then we headed out to the beach, and met up with a couple friends. First day of summer ended on the beach. Perfection!

Today was a gemmy day. Slept it! Yay! I so rarely get that anymore since like, I work, and on days off I typically like to really really fill my days. My motto is that I want to die tired, rather die without living!

Spent some time catching up with people, watched some tv. Then I headed to coffee shop where I've been spending my day.

Also got lost on the way here. I do not know how this happened. I also got lost last night. I thought I was starting to know this city, but apparently not! Whateves - no bigs. I always arrive somewhere!

Tonight is wings again. Tuesday! Then work tomorrow, hang out afterwards, hang out Thursday with friends, volunteer appreciation thing, drive to Abby, drive to Winnipeg, YAY!

Have a great day!

Oh - I just posted a new song on my youtube. Go check it out! I'm hoping it'll help me win the contest. The quality isn't amazing, but I like the organicness of it! K - apparently I can't post it here yet cause it's still processing. So I shall soon.

Until then - ENJOY

And since I have officially like 1 minute left of my free internet - gotta go!

Saturday on a Monday

2010-06-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

This Monday is my favourite Saturday I have had in ages.

Posting again - what!

Eek - one week until my family reunites for the biggest social event of the year!

I have spent the last several hours sitting in Starbucks enjoying free internet, an incredible (seriously one of the best I've had in a while - and I drink these often) Americano Misto (skinny, no foam, long pour, cinnamon dolce americano misto - yep!), several really really great phone conversations (sister by choice Maria, sister by birth Lynette), and text messages that make me laugh. I love great days.

I feel as though all I ever post on here is events or the fact that I feel blessed. I also feel that that is incredibly okay to do!

Last night my sister came over for dinner (and I made a super simple - and not that delicious meal - sorry K - fett Alfredo, chicken Caesar breaded things, and cucumber) and desert (she brought ice cream, banana, strawberries, chocolate, and choco sauce - yes she knows me and I love her!)

We had just like, the best conversation possible. I am so incredibly thankful for my family. Through last night, and conversing with my other sister today, I have just been so reminded of the incredible provision of Christ. I have siblings who love me so much, and who go out of their way to make time for me, amidst their crazy busy lives, and the fact that I am tres younger than them.

My sis Lynette and I were discussing today about how great our parents are. She said something along the lines of, "When I tell people about our SanDiego trip, they ask how we won it, and I just can never explain quite well enough how it's because our Mom actually is the most incredible one in the world". And I so agree.

I was thinking about my upbringing. Yet another thing I am thankful for. I never felt as though my parents fought (I know they did, but they worked hard to show us that marriage is a gift and they chose peace instead of fights), and even when we struggled financially for a few years, they never once made me feel as though my desires were bothers. They both have worked so incredibly hard to provide for all of us kids (what a weird word since we all are like - legit adults - now) and are fantastic.

I thought about how I feel as though a lot of the reason that I have such a positive world outlook is that they taught me that. They taught me to love people, to forgive people, and that the answer to every question in Christ.

I also was thinking about how when I consider who I was growing up, I do not always love that person. When I evaluate how I treated people, especially in high school, I feel as though I was not loving, and as though I spent a lot more time judging people than showing them Christ. And I feel as though God has really been changing my heart from a heart of stone to one that is attempting to love everyone I meet with the eyes of Christ. I still fail like, miserably all the time, but I finally am attempting that.

Is it bad that I am seriously considering another americano right now? Yes. Bad. K. Thought process done.

Right now I am reading through the book of John. I don't think I mentioned that yesterday. It is so great. I think that biggest area of sin that I recognize in my life is that I have never treasured the Bible in my heart, and this is such a battle for me. I rarely just choose to sit down and read, and even less, choose to read my Bible. But I just learn so much every time, so over the past week or two I've been trying really hard to make it a priority. I remember when I worked in Africa, there was this period of time where I really dove into the Bible, and I remember that people were constantly telling me that they thought I was really growing right then. I think it's such a testament to the fact that God's word has to be in my heart in order for my heart to be in God's.

I also thought I should point out that I worked really hard yesterday at work! Haha - my long post would not attest to that, but I wrote it over several hours of work, and there was not a moment when the work I had to do wasn't being done! No specimen sat waiting for me to work on it, and no phone call got ignored.

Another fantastic blessing is that I was offered the position that I interviewed for last week. Yet again, I feel so blessed. I am not financially in dire need currently, but in the coming months as my job goes from full-time to casual, there is huge potential that I will not have such a guaranteed income as I do now, so the fact that I will have a few extra bucks guaranteed per month is super fabulous!

I should hear my exam results in approximately 37 days or so btw. I've told everyone at work who asks me that they'll know I got my results when they see me either crying all day for a few days, or like, skipping around for a few days with a huge smile.

Now - tonight's dinner - such a choice. Yet again, I don't have as much fresh stuff as I like to keep in my place since I leave so soon, but we'll see. I have chicken defrosting in the fridge, and my friend Rob has told me that he prefers rice over pasta, so there shall be some rice served as well. Who knows. That is hours away from now!

My morning was filled with laundry, cleaning, dishes, and song writing, and now this lovely Starbucks atmosphere. I feel as though I should probably end this note of love for no one so that I can go switch over the laundry at home so company doesn't realize how much clothes I burn through! Haha. My bed is currently covered with the first peruse of my clothing for what to bring to Winnipeg. I hear the weather there is sunny and rainy. Super useful for packing eh'. So basically I am heading from Vancouver by the beach to Vancouver not by the beach. And I've been warned that there are a lot of hugs bugs there. Truly my favz. Or not - at all.

You should probably come over btw. Just sayin'

If you do, you might get serenaded. My sister did last night, and I think she thought it was dec, so you might too! And yet again, no bigs, but I think I wrote my best song ever the other day. Like, I don't typically think like that, in the sense of thinking that my songs are super great. I typically write my songs like, words first, and then music later, or both at once, but for this one, I did the music completely by itself without a song idea in my mind. And then I went back to it the next day and wrote music for it. It was a really cool process. I love how songwriting just lets me put out all of my thoughts. And my favourite thing about songwriting is artistic impression. I can choose like one word that is resonating in my mind and write a song all about it, and just like, embellish words. I don't think that makes sense, but I love that. Such a blessing from Christ that I get to write songs!

Sometimes I laugh at my writing on here. Actually, like, every single time I consider like, anything about my personality, I laugh. My sis and I were chatting last night about her strengths and weaknesses (for some assignment she has to do - she's getting her Master's - so proud!) and we were chatting about how she is very organized and a planner, and how I am not. The gist of the convo was about how I am someone who is a dreamer, and how I constantly have a new plan, and how it's so interesting how two sisters can be so incredibly different, and yet have so much love for each other!

Just want to reiterate - I love my fam! SO MUCH! The wedding is like, less than two weeks away, and we get to reunite in like, literally, one week today!

Hope your Monday was as good as mine - but probably it wasn't, because mine is a Saturday.

Scampering Along

2010-06-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like that's what I'm doing. I'm just scampering along, trying to keep up with all that is going on in my lil life right now. It's definitely a period of waiting, and praying, and relying on Jesus to just show me His will and keep me in it. It's also a lot of fun too. I haven't had a night alone at home in who knows how long, but I love it.

I probably can't go as far back as my last post to remind events, but I'll talk about the last little bit of time.

Today is Sunday. Today I am working. Currently actually - can't you tell. It's quite a slow day today, so I get to catch up on the things I don't do at home anymore (internet meanders - since I no longer have internet in my home. Probably the biggest blessing ever, and yet a bit of a curse for a fb lover like myself - it's good to not respond and like and comment and be sucked into it all though. Yet I feel like I still am quite a part of what is going on in the cyber world! Ha. Whatever) I'm working my first weekend at the hospital yet. It's pretty dec. This weekend has apparently been a bit slow. Both yesterday and today people have gone home sick The person training me I call a little flutter-bug. She flutters around, always almost landing, then off doing something new. Ha.

Last night I worked all day, and then headed to Rob's for a BBQ. Fun times. A bunch of good people hanging out, playing games, laughing, a funny mixture of food. I am realizing that I absolutely love cooking. I've been kind of making up recipes as I go along. I find a general idea, look at the general directions and amounts, and then just go. Last night I made these cinnamon chips and some guacamole. Not to brag (but yet totally to brag) it was quite delish. (Lots of lemon - like a whole lemon, two avocados, chili pepper, mild chili's, salsa, garlic, mayo, and probably other stuff I can't remember).

Thursday night I had a bunch of lovely ladies over for dinner. I made a chicken tomato pasta bake (marinaded the chicken in Greek salad dressing, cooked the pasta, mixed with a garlic tomato sauce, add lots of cheese, bake), a hot broccoli hip (broccoli, red peppers, garlic, cheese, Parmesan, plain yogurt, bake. It says to just bake for 20 mins, but I did 20 mins, then stirred and put it back in for a bit longer cause I wanted it to be really hot) with some bread (which the lovely Jessica brought), a salad (spinach, raspberry vinaigrette, strawberries, and nuts), and then desert was some odd (brought by the lovey Pat) thing. Haha. I liked it. I can't explain it though! Haha. Some great chats, and just good times.

Wednesday night, I had a few of my besties over for dinner. The kind of girls who know your thoughts before you've even figured them out. There's no flakiness or fakeness in these friendships. And we often find ourselves going through similar experiences, so it's great to all hash it out together. I cut up mango, strawberries, broccoli, cucumber, and had a bunch of spinach and feta and the raspberry vinaigrette again. Chicken in the same marinade again, for a lovely delish salad. And I made a bean dip (onions, garlic, black beans, chili's, and a mixture of spices - I think that's all - blend together and serve with chips). My aunt has made us love this dip. My sis and I have always looked forward to meals at her place because she often serves it - which we love cause it's great!

Tuesday I had a crazy busy day. I wrote my CSMLS exam (basically to get certified cross Canada as an MLA) which was super difficult (it's one of those exams that most people don't pass - so we'll see what happens) and then I had an interview for this random research job. I haven't heard back yet, and I'm not in dire need of another job, so I'm not too stressed. God provides for those who trust in Him. And I'm definitely choosing to give every situation to Him right now! Then I went out for wings with Kelsey, Emily, and Rob. Yet again, good chats, good eats, good times.

Monday night - what did I do? It feels like an ancient day. Oh wait - I remember. I studied my ars off. Most definitely. That was Monday, and Saturday.

Sunday I went to church, helped with tear down, headed to the rents place, studied a bit, and just enjoyed our Fake Father's Day! We all couldn't make it out for today so we celebrated a week early. It's always so nice to just hang out with the family once in a while.

Saturday was spent studying, as I mentioned earlier. I ate the worst sushi of my life. I in my silly thought process, decided to choose the sushi place that was empty because I wanted to study. Well, money not well spent. It was awful. I don't remember the name, but I know it's in Point Grey. The special was California rolls, Dynamite rolls, and Cucumber rolls. So if you walk into a sushi place on 10th that has that, don't go in! Save yourself! Haha. I think I was social Saturday night. I can't remember how, but I just can feel it in myself that I was not at home. I had done my hours of studying and needed to go out! So I did.

Random other fun things that have happened, which dates I can't remember.

My friend Emily (don't call her Emma) celebrated her Vanniversary. For those of you who don't know about this, don't worry - you're totally invited to mine someday! Haha. Mix anniversary and Vancouver, and you have one hip-happening shindig. We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory in Gastown (oh my spag memories), and then she and I headed out for a lil night on the town. We bounced around a few places, enjoyed a sick amount of laughter, mostly at the funny drunk dancing girls whose moves we were a tad bit jealous of. Ha. Yet again - good chats. I'm so thankful for some of these super great friendships I have been given since moving to Van. I didn't know how the transition would be to a new place. I didn't know if I'd have close friends. And I certainly didn't expect all the blessings that have constantly been coming my way.

Church has continued to be so great. I feel challenged, and encouraged, and blessed, and super just stripped of who I am, and I just feel like God is teaching me so much. Sometimes it gets like uber overwhelming, because it's easy to live life and be completely content with who you are - but that's not what I desire anymore. I do, as in, my flesh and sinful heart chooses my own way all the time, but more and more I can tell that God is delving more into me, and my hearts calls are changing. More and more like JC! Great!

I'm still working full-time as well, yet another blessing. It seems that I should have a few more months of that going on, and then I'll be casual. I get amazed by how much I can still learn, and it's cool when I realize that I'm starting to feel more confident in collections and all the random aspects of the job. There are some super great people whom I work with, and some patients make me laugh so hard! Like any job where you are working with people who are only in your area because their life is not good and they're sick, it is super heart wrenching. I feel that I am a compassionate person, and yet I so often have to turn it off in order not to cry myself to bed every night.

BTW - for those of my friends who've known me forever. I cry now. Just a note.

My new lil home continued to be a great blessing. Yesterday I totally almost burnt it down though, so not good. Apparently, when your oven (not stove) is on, you can't leave plastic recipe books open on the stove! Whoops. I've got a huge chunk of plastic now glued to my stove top. I'll work on getting that off in the next few days.

I'm still trying to sell the entertainment unit. I don't know if I mentioned it here. If you're 'a lookin' I'm 'a sellin'.

I can not get over how slow it is at work today. Normally, I can't say that, but I'm just typing, so it'll stay slow. 3 more hours until home time. My sis and I are having a girls night. I have to figure out what to make for dinner.

I don't want to buy too much fresh stuff this week because I leave for Winnipeg on Friday for the bro's wedding. I am quite excited for this shin-dig. I am very blessed to be able to sing two songs during the wedding. One with the sisters and then one just me that I wrote. Only one person has heard it thus far. It's my lil secret song. I don't think I've ever played one of my songs as often as this one. I actually have it memorized, and I don't typically remember my songs. Hence why they're like written all over the place. I wish I had an expert memory, but ... what was I talking about? Um ...

My sisters and I are also the three headed monster in this wedding. Confused? Well, the three of us are MC-ing the reception, and apparently our brother has a really nice vision of who we are! Haha. Thanks Greg!

My parents and I are driving out to Winnipeg. It's going to be a party. We were chatting a few weeks back about how great it'll be that this road trip I can actually help with the driving (we haven't taken a family vaca since I was in high school) and I asked which one of them would sit in the backseat while I drove. The consensus turned into that I in fact, will not be driving this trip. Whatever. I'll just do what I always did, play my own music in my ears and sing to it so they can't enjoy their music. The depiction of a lovely daughter!

This coming week until then should be good. I have tomorrow and Tuesday off, so I am definitely looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. At least until like 9 or something. It'll be great! Then I have a friend for dinner (friends are so yummy), Tuesday night is wings night again (potentially a summer tradition), Wednesday night I think I'm going to just invite a bunch of people over to hang out (therefore - you're invited - if I know you), and then Thursday night I'm going to some kind of baseball game. I say some kind because it's this volunteer appreciation thing, so I don't really know what going on anyways. It should be fun. Then driving back to Abby so we can leave early morn for Winnipeg!

I feel like I had adequately typed now. I hope you enjoyed. I'll post again once I have exciting, (or non-exciting) words to get out there.

I hope you are having a super fantastic weekend, June, summer, life, everything. I think you're fantastic, and I definitely think we should go for coffee. Just sayin'

Song of the day - More of You by Mozella. I'd put up a link for it, but I don't know how to on this work comp cause youtube is blocked here. So yeah. Youtube it. It's good stuff. (And I posted about it on my fb today in my status - she definitely commented. Fav artist ever!)

Today's Thoughts

2010-06-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am persuaded that every time a man smiles - but much more so when he laughs - it adds something to this fragment of life. Laurence Sterne

Picture this

2010-05-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

In love.

2010-05-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am in love.

With everything.

Yet again, as I feel I have adequately posted, and conversed (with those of you whom I speak often with) about the fact that I am in the most peaceful period of my life. Never before have I been this content. Never before have I been at peace from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep. I acquit it all to Christ. All of it.

It's been a bit since I posted last. But if you were a reader of my previous blog, you know that I am writing a lot more often here. Quite fun! Or something.

The past just over a week has been great. After last weekend, I had a full week. I took a sick day on Monday because I could feel myself getting to a breaking point. I awoke Monday feeling awful and was not able to think of any reason to get up out of bed. And yet I needed to, because I was sick. So run to the bathroom I did (tmi?), and called into work soon after. I spent the better part of the morning resting and being sick, and then mid-morning started to feel better. I spent the rest of the day doing laundry, cleaning my place, reading my Bible, and playing lots of music.

It was all that my body needed. It was a mind, body, soul type of day. I ended the afternoon with a quick stop at Costco, and then a relaxing evening. I try to make it a habit when I take a sick day to not leave the house. I feel that if I am not well enough to go to work, I should not be well enough to leave. But I needed to pick up some food for sg. So I broke the rule. Though I did bail on a piano lesson. I have been asked by many to teach them piano/guitar/singing, but I am finally going to teach a friend piano. We'll see how that goes! Ha.

Tuesday was also grand. Work as always, and then I went home for a bit, then went to the last sg of the year. It was so good to converse Jesus with these people. Even though I still am feeling new to Van, to westside, and to the sg, it was so peace-filled. Every week I have looked forward to sg. It is sad to be aware that it is done for the season. In fall, it shall start again, which will be lovely.

Wednesdays plans are slipping through my mind. Oh wait - I remember. I had a dose of non-peace, and grumpiness, which was ended when two of my friends and I went out for dinner, and then randomly (as in, we were driving, my friend commented on the cuteness of a theatre, and I suggested we go right then) went to a movie (Letter's to Juliet - again), and laughed our way through the movie. It was a perfect friends evening. One of my favs in a while!

Thursday included a dinner out to a vegitarian/vegan restaurant with my friend Rob. We were going to go out to the Camby afterwards, but time had slipped away, so we drove around for a while trying to find it, he went, and I went home to sleep!

Friday was super fab! After work, Kirstyn & Em (the same two who'd gone to the movie with me) came over and we went out to buy groceries for our girly night. Karli & Lauren came over post the store trip, and we had an absolutely grand event! Lots of wine, chocolate, dips, bread, chats, laughter, some tears, and all around good-girly time! My favourite moment of the evening included a Beiber-breakdown. If you don't know what that is, we're not friends anymore. No but seriously - if you don't know what that is, you are either several years older than I, or you, I don't know. The ladies all slept over, and we just truly had a great time!

Saturday meant that the entertainment unit and couch were finally about to leave. Sadly, the entertainment unit buyer backed out last minute. Therefore. The couch is finally gone though! So great!

After helping move the couch over to my friends, I ended up in this ladies rv talking with her (and some others) about a community garden, and all that she plans on planting. A truly random and incredible half-hour!

Then my friend Rob & I hung out for the day. Went for some sushi, enjoyed Juno, held his snake Alice. She is a beaut. I never thought that word would describe a snake, but you haven't met Alice. She's my best friend. She tells me secrest! Bah! Went and bought a new lens for Rob's camera, and took some fun picas (fish eye lens - so super fun).

I drove back to Abby Saturday night to enjoy some fam dinner, a bath (my favourite thing about A-town), and just a nice time.

Sunday, the fam and I went to Othello Tunnels, explored, hung out, chatted, laughed, and of course, I was teased. Would it be my family if I were not? Nope.

After our family day, I headed to YC A-town which was super fun and great, and then to a bonfire, which was also super fun and great! I got to hang out with some of my absolutely favourite people.

Sometimes, when I consider Abbotsford, I scorn the place. I feel as though I have outgrown the girl who lived there, and I view myself as a true blood city girl. And I am. I am very much a city girl. I love transit, and I love not smelling farm, and concerts would fill every evening if I had the money. And then I'm not. I love campfires. I love my old church. I love the conversations that occur around the family dinner table. I love that I can go walk through tunnels. I love that I can wear pretty much anything I want, and no one thinks me odd. I love that I don't have to try out there.

This was a weekend when I appreciated Abbotsford. I remembered that it too is a gem.

Monday I slept in until like 10! Wow. Who would have thought that sleeping that late/early would be a treat? I used to sleep that late far more often. But now I don't like wasting my life, so I usually get up earlier! I went out for lunch with my bestie Maria to Old Spaghetti Factory. It was the first time I'd been there since I moved, so it was so great to catch up with a bunch of my favs. It made me miss it so much. I always loved serving. It had its awful moments, as all jobs do, but I loved being a server.

Then I went home, chatted with my mom for a bit longer, and drove home. I thought traffic would slow the drive down a lot, but it was only slightly longer than normal.

I think my absolute favourite thing about going to Abbotsford is the conversations I have with my parents, and especially with my Mom. She is my absolute favourite mom ever!

And then I worked today. It was a funny day. As always, my 'training' was interrupted by blood collections elsewhere, but that was fine. I find I typically try to just laugh my way through my days. There is one bench where I work where the motto is 'laugh or cry, so laugh'. I'm the one who made up the motto. So we laugh.

I don't think I've mentioned music loves on here for a while, so he's a few of my favies lately:

-Kevin Hammond. Oh my goodness. It's like all the best voices I've ever heard turned into one. I listen to him on repeat. Like I actually listened to one song on repeat almost the whole drive from home to home. My friends and I always joke about 'the one who we would give all our love to', and he is mine. I think if I could ever have a chance to duet with one person, he is the one whom I would choose. But ask me again soon, and my love might have waned. It sometimes does that!

-The Script. I've loved them for ages, and I'm just discovering some new songs of theirs. They are super talented. I love their writing style.

-Tenth Avenue North - They have some new stuff out right now. I'm liking it. They also have some great videos on their yt page which really explains what they believe, why, and why others should as well. It just gets to the point. I respect that a lot.

If you have a few mins, I'd love if you would check out my youtube channel. The more views it gets, the more views it will get. It's so fun to see the numbers rise, and hope that people are loving the music!

Whirlwind

2010-05-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

I feel as though my life can only be described as a whirlwind.

I went onto several online dictionary's to see a good definition to post for whirlwind, and I realized that I had chosen the wrong word.

I think the better way to describe my current life status is great.

It has been a little bit since I posted. I have been filling my life with moments of business because I would rather die and say I wish I had rested, than die and say that I wish I had lived. Therefore, I crash into bed every night exhausted and exhilarated.

I just sped-read my last written blog post to see where I am at in updating, and I realize that I am far behind. At my old little home, I think when I was home I spent all my time on my computer and therefore blogged a lot, but at my new little home, I am rarely even home, and when I am, I quickly update my fb, email the importants, eat a meal, and sleep. I also have been playing a ridiculous amount of guitar. It is fantastic. My fingers are calloused, and I have written more songs in the last few weeks than I had all year. So great!

Work has been going great. I am starting to feel as though I sometimes know what I am doing. That is a great feeling. I also am realizing that I have so much to learn. Also a great feeling, because I love knowing that there are places to go.

The first thing I feel I should share is my radio-loving-contests-fantastic current bliss.

I won tickets through Virgin Radio to see Letters to Juliet which I went to see this past week, and through The Beat I won tickets to a concert during the Vancouver Jazz Festival. I'm pretty excited.

More excited however, is what I am feeling about another contest I won through Virgin. They had a 'throw you mom on a plane' contest where you had to write a little note about why your Mom is great, and you could win a trip to San Diego for 5 nights in a hotel and tickets to Sea World. Needless to say, my Mom is the best, so I won! I'm pretty excited. I don't know all of the deets yet, but am stoked never the less!

I've been having great fun in life, from days on Kits, drinks at Hell's Kitchen, dinner at Las Margaritas, lunch at Brown's Social House, sushi at Hi Nippon, made lasagna for the first time, went to a Arson factory sale, appies and drinks at The Winking Judge Pub, evenings on English Bay, and a whole lot more.

Last Sunday was a great day for me. I really was just reminded of how great God is again, and I just made some new decisions in how I am going to live my life, and it was cool today to reflect on this past week and realize that I am living well. It's not often in my life that I can say I have done that, so I am really happy right now.

Today was a great day as well. Had a friend over last night so had some great chats, enjoyed a leisurely morning, went to church, out for lunch, showed her to where she needed to go, sat in a hammock and loved on Jesus for a bit, sky-trained home, and have now just been relaxing, which is great since this weekend has been rather rest lacking!

Like I said earlier, I have been writing songs like crazy lately, and trying to record them so I remember them! I made a youtube channel, so if you are bored and feel like supporting my endeavors, take a few minutes to check the songs out, and do some commenting if you feel so inclined!

I hope your life is going wonderfully!

A song about love

2010-05-05T19:39:00.001-07:00

Entering House

2010-05-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yet again I look at a pile of messes. This time though, the door seals (and I have a screen door which is currently letting the spring perfect air in), bugs can not be seen, far less holes in the walls, laundry is in suite, huge storage space, parking spot, mailbox, television, and so much more.

The boxes are not unpacked. For some reason, I have not yet brought myself to open most of them yet. The kitchen is set up, as is the bathroom, but the clothes and decorations are only semi-opened.

I think part of me really enjoys transition because it means the adventure is still occurring.

Pictures are littered around waiting for their destination to be chosen.

The couch is my current bed.

There is definitely something lovely about this place. I like it. I will post pictures potentially soon.

On a lovely work note, today I got to work just before 6:30 because I had given myself lots of time since I was not quite sure if I would find parking right away. I didn't mind that I had a half hour until my shift. I checked the schedule and saw that I had been switched to 7:30. I started at 7:30 far fuller than normal as I had already enjoyed my morning coffee (which typically occurs later in the day - though it did still occur again). And then when I did start work at 7:30, I had nothing to do since I had been rescheduled to start an odd job at 8:00. Love. So, I woke up at 5 for no reason, got to work an hour early, and did not even really work for even longer.

It was a fairly good day though. The kind where I love my paycheck.

Yesterday was great too. Slept in, churched, cleaned up, sushi'd, rested, partied my sister's birthday with the fam, thought about sleeping but couldn't, so enjoyed some late night fb. Joys.

I have an entertainment unit for sale. Please buy it!

Oh .... the beer --- I am not quite sure the brand. I asked my friend's bf but he couldn't remember, but if I see it again I will post the name. I know that it was in a red can and people kept thinking I was drinking coca-cola.